Sure, you want IHOP all the time. But what if you want the “P,” without the “I” and the “H”— at which point the “O” is just kind of hanging there? Fortunately, you can now have food from the International House of Pancakes at home, even if your house is not the slightest bit international. We sampled IHOP’s new microwavable Griddle n’ Sausage breakfast sandwich.
Eva: Now I have something to eat when I’m drunk at 3 a.m. alone at home.
Miles: After I finished my meal, I left a $4 tip in my microwave.
Eva: Are you allowed to take these to an IHOP and eat them there if you want the company?
Miles: The box also includes an ashtray, two Pall Malls, and an irritating philosophy major who keeps asking if he just blew your mind.
Eva: These pancake sandwiches have a nice spongy consistency, which is nice because if you drop them in your lap, they absorb all subsequent foods you drop in your lap.
Ian: I was going to say it’s nice to be able to eat IHOP without having to put on pants. But there was this one time …
Miles: So long as you had a shirt and shoes, anything goes at the IHOP. You’re on International ground, my friend.
Ian: The instructions said to drape a paper towel over it before you put it in the microwave. I also ever so gently closed its eyes.
Miles: These are what keep IHOP from being invited onto the U.N.’s Council on Human Rights.
Lorna: IHOP is short for IHOPEDFORABETTERBREAKFAST.
Ian: You never hear about the fourth little pig, who built his House of Pancakes. But I bet the wolf really enjoyed that entire meal.
Miles: IHOP the shark.
[The verdict: we’re all for the use of pancakes as sandwich bread, less enthusiastic about the use of pencil erasers as sausage.]
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me!