Ever since Eli Whitney invented the Beef Gin in 1793, hamburgers have basically been the same: An all-beef patty, eaten as quickly as possible. But now, new technologies are allowing burgologists to expand the medium. Chef’s Burger Bistro in Chicago has created the B50 Burger, with a patty that’s 50 percent ground beef, 50 percent ground bacon. And then there’s a fried egg thrown on top, just for fun.
Miles: This is the hoofed animal’s answer to the TurDucken.
Ian: I really do feel like we’re witnessing the beginning of something big. One small step for man… OK, gimme a sec, I need to sit down.
Eva: Does this mean burgers are now 50 percent appropriate for breakfast? Good enough for me!
Peter: If I eat enough of them, then I, too, will be 50 percent bacon, and then I, too, will be delicious.
Miles: Fifty percent beef and 50 percent bacon means I’m 100 percent ready for a nap.
Ian: It smells like a campfire inside my body right now.
Peter: It’s weird to eat something that tastes so strongly of bacon and yet has no visible bacon. I imagine this is what it’s like to just eat a pig.
Ian: This is amazing. I give conventional burgers three years ‘till extinction.
Robert: I give myself about three minutes.
Robert: Delicious, but the punchline falls flat. A cow, a pig and a fried egg walk into a bar. And I eat them.
Ian: This is so good it’s distracting me from the World Cup distracting me from work.
Miles: I’m just glad we finally ordered from Dr. Moreau’s Burger Bistro.
Ian: Now I understand what happened to that weird animal at the farm that kept saying Mooink.
Soccer Announcer Guy: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOACON.
Miles: They make a vegetarian version, too. It’s half-black bean patty, half-bitter envy at not being able to eat this burger.
[The verdict: this is what’s been missing from your burgers all your life. Fantastic.]
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.