Whether it’s James Franco writing novels or Pablo Picasso scrapbooking, all great artists move outside their medium. Subway has recently been experimenting with pizzas. The latest is the Flatizza, which is a combination of “flatbread” and “pizza,” and is also embarrassing to say when you have to order one.
Mike: Subway pizza is a tough sell. “Five-dollar foot-wide” feels wrong.
Miles: I just don’t understand why Subway demands we wash down the Flatizza with a FlatSoda.
Robert: After the long winter we’ve had, it’s handy to have a lunch that also works as an ice scraper.
Miles: Remember in the 15th century, when everyone thought pizza was flat?
Ian: The flat shape makes it an ideal food to go in Pizza ATMs. If these don’t exist yet, nobody tell me.
You order the Flatizza like a Subway sandwich — the sandwich artist asks you what you want on it, and you choose from the ingredients on the other side of the sneeze guard. Then they stick it in a fast-cook toaster oven, which is either powered by nuclear fission or magic.
Ian: You can get it plain, veggie, or with everything Jared denied himself for the last 10 years.
Robert: Weirdly, I was watching a movie where Jared showed up at the door with one of these. After that, it got kind of weird.
Mike: Of all the foods at Subway, the Flatizza is the one Snoop Dogg has the easiest time ordering.
Miles: Instead of fighting with each other, New York-style and Chicago-style should both team up on Flatizza.
Mike: The slogan is “Crispy, cheesy and totally edgy”—it’s like a charred Sarah Silverman.
Miles: Subway took the yoga mats out of their bread, threw some cheese on them, and called it a pizza.
Ian: Finally, the perfect bathroom tile in my life-size gingerbread house.
[The verdict: a fine fast-food pizza. There may come a day when we think of Subway as that pizza place that used to serve sandwiches.]
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me!