Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today not to mourn the nine-patty T-Rex Burger, but to celebrate its life. It was pulled this week, far too young, from the menu of a rogue Manitoba Wendy’s that served it to two or three people a day. It is survived by the few people who ate it and survived.
Said a Wendy’s spokesperson: “For obvious reasons, Wendy’s … neither condones nor promotes the idea of anyone consuming a nine-patty hamburger in one sitting.”
Said us: “For obvious reasons, let’s eat one.”
We got three triple cheeseburgers from Wendy’s and made our own.
Peter: You realize what just happened, right? The T-Rex went extinct, and we just recreated it in our lab. WE ARE JURASSIC PARK.
Ian: I think it’s technically the T-Retch.
Miles: It’s going to be much easier for scientists to clone me now that my DNA is morbidly obese.
Mike: It’s like Burger Jenga.
Ian: It’s so tall, I got two patties in my mouth and one of the top patties hit me in the eye. I like a burger that requires protective eyewear.
Eva: I just scraped ketchup off my forehead.
Miles: It’s good that the toy that comes with this is a Medic Alert Bracelet.
Eva: I like that I can comfortably rest my chin on this burger in between bites.
Peter: Let’s be honest: This thing is delicious. Next time I go to a restaurant for, say, a steak, I’m going to order nine and have them stack it. IT WORKS EVERY TIME.
Miles: It’s just like my dad always said, nine wrongs don’t make a right.
Ian: This is the unhealthiest thing a Canadian has done since everything the mayor of Toronto has done.
Robert: Seems kind of cruel they named a sandwich after a creature that can’t even pick it up in its cute little arms.
Miles: The T-Rex’s visual acuity is based on movement. Fortunately for us, no one’s going to be moving after eating this.
Ian: You know that scene in Jurassic Park where the water is rippling in the cup? My belly is doing that right now.
Eva: This is like the princess and the pea. Except who wouldn’t be able to sleep on nine delicious meat mattresses?
Peter: If this becomes the standard, then a double cheeseburger becomes the diet portion.
Eva: And sliders are now just the hamburger crumbs on your sweatpants.
Ian: Don’t you feel like we’ll evolve to be able to eat things like this? In a hundred thousand years, humans will basically look like trash cans with eyes.
[The verdict: inexplicably good. You wouldn’t want to eat one of these whole, unless you’re seven people. But everyone agreed something about it made it not just bigger, but tastier as well. Maybe the high meat-to-bun ratio? More research is required.]