As you probably know, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s ban on Big Sugary Drinks Over 16 Ounces was supposed to go into effect this week. But a judge invalidated the ban on Monday, a move applauded by restaurant owners, theater owners, and anyone who likes nothing more on a hot summer day than a refreshing bathtub full of ice-cold Coca-Cola.
To celebrate our right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Diabetes, we’ve created the sugariest drink in the world. We call it “The Bloomberg.”
1 part Coca-Cola
1 part Yoo-Hoo
1 part Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino
1 part Red Bull
1 part Mountain Dew Kickstart, Mountain Dew’s inexplicable new energy drink
1 part Pillsbury Funfetti Cake Frosting
1 part Marshmallow Fluff
1 part Hummingbird Food (We actually couldn’t find any, due to supply chain issues and a Divine Force protecting us.)
1 part Mrs.Butterworth’s Pancake Syrup
1 part Aerosol Whipped Cream
1 part Kool-Aid
1 part Cadbury Creme Egg Creme (You’ll have to extract the creme yourself, because for some reason they don’t yet sell it on its own. If you’re trying to eat healthy, just use the Cadbury Creme Egg White.)
1 part Nutella
1 part Sugar
1 part Country Time Lemonade Mix
1 part Gatorade (for fitness!)
Serve in a glass with a sugar rim. Garnish with whipped cream, a stick of Big Red Gum, and a Marshmallow Peep. Be careful not to cry directly into the glass as the salt of your tears will ruin the taste.
As you add the ingredients one by one, you’ll notice the colors are constantly changing, like a sunset.
Miles: I imagine this is what Wilford Brimley’s blood tastes like.
Eva: This is what Don Draper drinks in “Mad Men Babies.”
Blythe: This aggravates my meth mouth.
Blythe notes that The Bloomberg has a distinct Flintstones Vitamins undertone, and it’s true. Mike pointed out that it tastes like the Jolly Rancher he found on the floor of his minivan, which until The Bloomberg had been the worst dietary decision he’d ever made.
Blythe: If all the fountain sodas together make a “suicide,” this is an “End of Days.”
Mike: On the plus side, I don’t have to floss anymore.
Peter: When you kill Tinkerbell, this is what leaks onto the floor.
Ian: It tastes like somebody tried to figure out how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, and then you had to drink their saliva.
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me! Yeah, we know it’s Thursday.