This is something that exists in Asia:
NPR still stubbornly refuses to pay for our travel — something about “sullying NPR’s image abroad” and “Ian, how many times do we have to tell you, you don’t really work here” — so we had to make our own version.
A disclaimer: We tried putting one together according to the specs of the image above, but no one could get down even a single bite. We lowered the butter content slightly.
Peter: I like the crunch of the sugar. It’s like your teeth start decaying immediately.
Ian: Having buns full of butter is actually a great way to explain what happens to you when you eat buns full of butter.
Ian: Is this what it feels like to be a fois gras goose?
Peter: If there was a PETA for humans, they’d try to get secret camera footage of us being forced to eat this.
Robert: Butter AND sugar… I’m not sure which is the wolf and which is the sheep’s clothing.
Eva: This is much more satisfying than the Splenda and ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ version.
Ian: I think the diet version of this is to go back in time and make completely different choices with your life.
Ian: I usually think of butter and sugar as ingredients, not standalone components. Like Hall & Oates.
Peter: Really. It’s just butter, sugar, and flour. Like somebody tried to make cookies without reading the manual.
Leah: All of the eight push-ups I’ve done in my life… gone in an instant.
Eva: So white, so fluffy. It’s like a pillow you can eat for breakfast when you wake up.
Ian: This is like eating Paula Deen’s worst impulse.
[The verdict: do not attempt to make one that looks like the Freshness Burger picture. But with a thin spread of butter and some sugar, it’s actually not bad.]