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For many people, getting older means having to adjust one's lifestyle to be simpler, smaller and easier to manage.
This may mean moving into a smaller home or apartment, a family member's home, a retirement community, or a facility somewhere on the spectrum from assisted living to full-blown nursing care. And everything about that decision — from deciding where to go, to when, to how — can be difficult.
If you're considering this kind of change, or recently went through it, what are the challenges to downsizing? When do you know you're ready? (Or: how do you know know you're not?) What impact has downsizing had on your life, your autonomy, or your happiness?
GUESTS:
- Darlene Lemley: Retired teacher and resident of the Calaroga Terrace Retirement Community
- Joyce Demonnin: Public Outreach Director at AARP Oregon
- Michael Stone: Downsizing and relocation specialist for seniors
Tagged as: elderly · families · nursing home
Photo credit: mart wegman / Creative Commons
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Although if those old National Geographics are in good shape, they might be useful to a Library. (If not as an augmentation to their periodicals collection, then at the Friends of the Library sale. Somebody will buy them and the money would go toward new acquisitions for the library's collection.)
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While this is a timely and important topic, I think that a look back at Mt. St. Helens and its eruption, (It was 30 years ago today; Harry Truman said, "I'm not goin' away.") and its effect on the Northwest might have been a more opportune topic.
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Here's an engaging academic take on what it's like for people to help their aging family members pack up, give away, or throw away their beloved belongings.
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Thanks for this David...
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About 6 years ago I helped my grandparents move from the first (and only) home they had owned and lived in for 50 years to an assisted living facility much closer to family. The issue was not one of downsizing, but rather a need for us to be able to better assist them in managing their own health and well-being.
Although we all knew that the move was taking a toll on our grandparents, we had not anticipated the significant health crises instigated by the process. Both ended up in the hospital immediately after the move, and we very nearly lost my grandmother.
In time, both grandparents recognized that the move had been the right decision. They appreciated being able to see family more often. They also came to appreciate the assistance as their mobility declined over time.
In the past year or so, we realized that their needs had progressed beyond what an assisted living facility could offer. But, nursing homes are not designed for couples and no one was willing to separate a couple who remained deeply in love after 68 years of marriage. Instead they now have aides who spend days with them providing the support they need. Our solution is complex to manage, and somewhat expensive, but clearly the right choice.
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Having to move when additional care becomes necessary is one of the things I have the hardest time understanding with some assisted living facilities. Isn't that the worst possible time to have to move or find other living arangments?
This is one of the reasons I've been so impressed with Continuing Care Retirement Communities since I learned about them (Full Disclosure: I work for a CCRC in Portland.) I really like the idea that no matter how a senior's needs may change over time, once they move in they are able to stay where they are.
As a former CNA I have seen firsthand the difference that comes from actively making choices for your future, rather than waiting until someone else has to make those choices for you. My wife and I are still relatively young (late twenties) but we have already talked seriously about saving now so we can have the kind of security that comes with a CCRC when we retire.
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great topic.
In a society that values accumulation of progressively more expensive and larger possessions, it is truly a wise individual who begins downsizing and designing a living arrangement that remains manageable as they age. I know many seniors who have happily adjusted to smaller, safer, and more convenient living space.
I have also worked with many estates and seniors where the aging individuals remain in a living space that they treat like some sort of museum that they cannot imagine changing or shrinking. They literally carry the burden of their possessions with pain and aggravation.
Many times the burden of downsizing a home stuffed with stuff falls on children or friends. Planning with documents and discussion with family before hand can help ease transitions.
Also, families should realize that there are actually very few possessions worth passing to family or people they know. The most treasured items are letters and photos. Most of the other "stuff" in an estate gets sold to strangers or donated to charity. Might as well distribute that earlier.
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When my wife passed away in 2006 when I was 72- I sold the house our furnishings and second car and reduced my belongings to about what fits into a pick-up and hit the road. I tried living with my youngest daughter for awhile, but hated Florida, then with my son and family in Texas (Man, that place is ugly) and finally decided to return to Oregon and a small apartment and take up life again as an independent person. I still have old high school chums here and enjoy the fishing, hiking and...yep! dancing.
Living with family even as loving as my children and their families are, was for the birds. I found I was living THEIR lives and not mine. If I were ill or losing my marbles the situation would be different.
Fortunately I enjoy good health and with no infirmities do not require-at least not now- any assistance. One thing that does lighten the burden, literally, is reducing one's posessions to a managable size. My most valuable things I have already given away to my four children. That is truly liberating. If anyone breaks into my apartment, all they will take away, aside from that .45 slug in their knee cap, will hardly be worth the resulting agony.
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In reference to the woman who drives to church, she can also use a service called Trimet Lift. They take seniors and disabled people all over, to all kinds of places. They definitely come to Calaroga Terrace often. And the cost is $1.80 each way, door to door service.
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All fashions modern 2011 haircuts
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I moved my parents to Holladay Park Plaza in Portland in 2007 when they were 92 and 88. They were very sad and reluctant to leave the Bay Area house they had lived in for 40 years. After about two months at HPP, my dad said, "I only wish I had done this 10 years ago." They had grown much too old and infirm to take advantage of any outside activities.
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I have two dear friends, a couple, who now live in a care home because one of them is very ill. They didn't just "downsize", they moved from the country to the city, losing their community, their environment, all their projects.
But the hardest thing for them was finding a place where they could stay together as a couple. This stunned me. A social worker told us it is unusual for a couple to want to live together when one was so disabled, so there aren't many opportunities for that.
We are talking nursing care, not independent living mind you, but it still doesn't make sense to me. When my spouse can't move around, is passive, needs to be fed, and so on, I would think I would still want to live with her.
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Last month my husband and I sold the 90 year old house where we raised our children and lived for 38 years and moved to a nearly new solar houseboat. We're in our mid 60's and still fit and active and we wanted to simplify our life. We loaned a few family antiques to friends and family, but mostly we sold or donated furniture and started over with things that suit our contemporary home. As one of the stages of downsizing we do have a storage unit filled with things that will more slowly be jettisoned.
Emotionally: it was harder for my husband eventhough he was the one who wanted to live on a houseboat. I was keen to have less yard and household responsibility. Of our three children, it was very sad for our sons, though they were supportive. Our daughter had a "go for it" attitude from the beginning. Everyone is looking forward to barbecues on the river all summer.
We've heard that living on or near the water adds years to one's life. It must be true: there are several octogenarians at our moorage. We hope to enjoy this new adventure for many years.
I'm listening to Darlene. I strive to get the storage unit emptied out over the next few months and her "8 bankers boxes" will stand as an inspiration.
Lynn
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Good for you. Living should always be an adventure..the house boat sounds like a real treat. When I down sized all I kept were my record collection and essential books. Like you my valuable possessions-collected in many parts of the globe- have been divided between my children and I no longer have to worry about keeping them safe.
When I become too ill to enjoy life..well, I'm glad I live in Oregon.
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One of the big differences between seniors who live at home and the ones who choose to move to independent living is security. We go into our clients homes (both retirement communities and homes) to help them get their bills paid on time (avoiding late fees, etc.). The clients we have who live in a "community" are so much more comfortable/secure in their settings. All their care and needs are taken care of. No more home maintenance, yard duties, hot water heaters problems - in a community it is all handled. This is a huge benefit, plus the community and friendship help folks age gracefully.
There are new "up coming" options for seniors (baby-boomers). Shared housing, "Seniors homing together.com" is a brand new concept. Baby boomers are already thinking about next steps. The greatest generation are very committed to their "things. We tricky to get them to give their things up. Once they do, they wish they had done it years before. Better to do it when you can make your own decision not let someone else make it for you.
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A friend of mine once described assisted living as "cemetery prep". When I become (more) deranged or infirm, well, that is why we have children!
That will be the final Hurrah! Making their lives a tad more interesting. They can afford it..thanks to dad and mom.
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I had a plan 15 years ago with my mother. When the time came that she could not live alone we would both sell our houses and buy a enabled duplex so that we would have our own spaces, but be able to ceep track of each other. That didn't happen because my mother died unexpectedly. But the same plan has been transferred to my sister, who is also single. When we retire, we plan to live near each other if not in a duplex and support each other.
Maybe it seems normal to me since my grandmother and her sister lived together for 40 years after my grandfather died and my grandmother only moved to assisted living after Alice died.
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I am smack in the middle of this with my parents in Seattle, driving back and forth several times a month. One idea I will share is this. When they were moving out of our family home after 35+ years, I made them a book. I used Blurb, an online photo book publisher, but there are all sorts of services. I scanned family photos that pertained to events and things that happened in the house. It's a book that only the family understands! It's funny that each family member tells a different story about the same photo. Except for a letter to my parents at the beginning of the book, the book is all photos. They aren't all artistic, but each has a story. They are now in a retirement home and they have the book on their coffee table in their new living room. They loved it and I am in the process of ordering a copy of the book for each sibling and grandchild for their birthdays this year. I can change the letter at the beginning for each one. They are about $60/each.
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A good solution! One thing I have tried in my senior moving business is to ask about the memory attached to an object ( shell from a trip to Hawaii for example) allow the senior to reminisce about the memory & then gather most of the momentos of that trip. together. I then ask the senior to choose 1 object to stand in for all of them. Usually he/she will be willing to give up all the others if he/she knows they will be used and valued by new owners. They end feeling content that the memory has been respected & memorialized by the one piece that was self-chosen. By categorizing this way, many posessions can be condensed into a smaller number without danger of having the senior feel pressured to stip him or herself of precious memories.
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It was very difficult to assume the role of care giver and decision maker for my mother after my father died. They lived in Utah, and I discovered that she could not cope on her own, so I had to help her sell her house, get rid of many of her belongings, and get established in an assisted living facility here in Beaverton. It was a very fine line to walk to try to be respectful of her feelings and ideas, yet be responsible for her well being since she was no longer able to care for herself as Alzheimer's Disease progressed. This disease is looming for many of us in the future.
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Anyone have any comments on reverse mortgages, so one can stay in one's home?
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I am surprised that everyone so far is focused solely on things and possessions. What about older adults with beloved pets? Very few assisted living facilities of whatever level allow them. What a terrible heartbreak, to not only have to relinquish a beloved cat or dog or bird or ferret or pocket pet and then after that to endure the sneers and criticisms of those who don't "get it" that you had to give up your pet. I myself started calculating the years of dog lives, cat lives and horse lives and assuming I remain healthy and able to work past retirement age, they will have crossed the rainbow bridge before I end up in a retirement home and what critters are left in any event are provided for in estate planning (did you know there are legal ways now to provide for your beloved animals? betcha you didn't...). That won't address the heartbreak for me but at least they will be provided for. My significant other's parents are being cared for at home by him and his siblings and assorted nieces and nephews, at least they can stay together. For some bizarre reason these two things are ignored, dismissed and disrespected by assisted living facilities: the need for pets who are really family members, and the need for loving long-term couples to remain together for life. I was hoping as the population of the US aged that we would begin to respect and accommodate elders but what I see is exactly the opposite. Sad and shocking, unfortunately not unexpected.
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When my mother was 83 she came to Portland to be nearer my brother and I. We deliberately looked for an assisted living home that DID accept pets. The Odd Fellows Home on Holgate not only takes pets but encourages them. The staff told my mother and I that people with pets tended to live longer, be happier and more active. My mother told me that her 16 pound Maine Coon Cat did not tolerate her sleeping later than 9am and was a constant source of comfort and amusement.
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I certainly agree that it is sad that so many senior living facilities don't accomodate pets and couples, but I hope you don't start believing that none of them do!
Like Leftcoast stated, there are places here in Portland that welcome pets with open arms! I know it might seem a little boastful, but I have to brag that Rose Villa Senior Living Community, where I work, has been welcoming pets for the whole 50 years we've been around!
The issue of couples in senior living is even more serious. Not only can it be difficult to find suitable living arangements for husbands and wives, but the situation can be even more difficult and scary for long-term same-sex couples. I recently viewed an eye-opening video by Project Visibility that gives some startling facts about the difficulties that LGBT couples have with resources for seniors. This is an issue that nobody talks about much, and Rose Villa is proud to be accepting of all couples.
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Cat IS the other white meat!
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My Grandparents traveled the world and when they ran out of space they built a new outbuilding. When they died there was so many things left behind it took my mother three years to catalog everything and get things distributed between four siblings. Now my Grandparents estate (not large) is finally closed. My mother is getting her executer's fee for all the time she spent cleaning everything up over the last three years. So even though she lost her job her taxes got a bump up. And that bump in her taxes may mean that I lose my financial aid just when I got accepted to my dream college. Now do I borrow from my mom, even though she doesnt have a nest egg? Do I go into debt that may last twenty years or more? How can I pay back this money if I follow my bliss into writing and teaching? Its a frustrating complicated situation, and its worse because it seems like it would have been avoidable if better plans had been made for all these heirlooms.
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I only caught a part of this program but will listen to it tonight. As a single 63 year old I am looking forward to retirement in 3 more years. However; I'm already beginning to feel the arthritis creeping up on me. I have a 2000 SF house that is filled with Books, magazines (must admit I do recycle most of them...) and sewing fabric. At least for a few days before something else takes my interest (OH! Shiney!) I'll be getting rid of more things that I haven't used in years.
I also have a deal with myself that if a piece of clothing comes into the house another of the same type has to go out.
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Wonderful discussion, I appreciated the guests and the candor they brought to this highly charged issue.
One additional theme is the prevention of “Relocation Stress” or “Transfer Trauma.” “Relocation stress” is a set of symptoms and outcomes that result from a transfer of an older adult from one environment to another—the symptoms range from:- Sleep disturbance
- Cognitive decline
- Perceived loss of control
- Withdrawal
- Depression
- Failure-to-thrive
- Death
Aging in place can help prevent transfer trauma; but there are times when living in one’s beloved home becomes untenable.
NPR Story Corp had a gripping account of this issue titled: “I Will Go”: http://aginginplace.com/aging-in-place-i-will-go/
Thanks, Patrick Roden
aginginplace.com
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Afer listening to todays show I would be labeled by some as the "bad guy".
My mothere died in December. Before she passed away peacefully I moved her six times. Being an only child I had to make the tough decisions for a mother who no longer could make decisions for herself.
By the time a person reaches the age of 85, half of us will have some type of dementia and one of the signs of elderly demntia is hoarding. My mother saved everything; paper sacks crackers from dinner. If I had not gone through and cleaned out her clutter it would be unsafe for her. Yes, I would go into her apartment and take out clothing that was no longer wearable and remove it in the guise of taking it home to wash. My mother didn't remember it once it was out of sight. I had to remove the bad from the good so she had only the good to choose from. If my mother was thinking correctly she would never have worn the clothes she wore and would have ben embarressed to do so.
I was lucky in that my mother had enough money to take care of her properly. MOST don't as the price of assisted and retirement living is high. But making hard decisiopns for her and having her mad at me for having to make them was not easy. I don't regret making decisions for my mother when she no longer could and hope some day I will have someone to take over for me.
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I certainly wouldn't label you, or any other care giver doing their best, as a "bad guy." Though I would respectfully disagree with one thing you said.
Your statement that "By the time a person reaches the age of 85, half of us will have some type of dementia..." is an all-too-common misconception. On average, 88% of senior women will complete their life without dementia, and 92% of men will complete their life without dementia. (Hill)
There are certainly plenty of other circumstances that can necessitate senior care, and dementia is by no means a small issue, but we do a disservice to the senior community at large when we make assumptions that the majority of seniors have (or will have) dementia.
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Jayne - me too. In fact five years later I am still the "bad guy" and have been continually "punished" by my mother, who is largely incompetent, and my sister, a complete predator who only wants my mother's estate. How was I the "bad guy"? I attempted to institute a guardianship on my mother because, one, her hoarding was so bad that the county had fought her for three decades on the mess/filth and every neighbor and senior center in a five mile radius tried to get some help but were all run off with weapons by my mother and her (now deceased) spouse, and two, she was about to lose her high value property because she was "mad at the bank" who had granted her a small loan on the paid-off property to do "improvements" (replace the roof that had a tree fall on it that had never been repaired) which she "didn't feel like repaying because she didn't like the bank people". She was unable to care for herself and was a danger to herself and others. But because I tried to do this and the guardian would have been appointed by the Court and would NOT have been me (because she loved to accuse people of stealing from her - dr said diagnosis paranoid dementia - but my sister IS stealing from her which she allows), I am shunned by my only family, my mother and sister. I was the one who helped my mom for decades until it became overwhelming dealing with esp. her animal hoarding and the craziness - even trained mental health professionals specializing in seniors with dementia found themselves unable to cope. In the end I walked away from the situation to save my own sanity and let the courts sort it out.
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But isn't this the reason they changed your diapers? So you would change theirs?
We tend to forget in modern America the implied contract of care between generations. Otherwise why does one generation, at great cost, invest in children?
If mom and dad do not at some point garner a return on that investment..why bother? Well, in Europe, they seem to have figured out that the return in an urban setting isn't the best use of their money and time. Stowing away mom and dad in some god forsaken retirement home when they become incontinent and inconvenient is amoral.
Keep in mind many of the messages re: wonderful retirement facilities under this topic are posted by people in that line of business.
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Jayne, I am so glad to hear that you took care of your mother, and didn't bail when things got too difficult. Too often, children are willing to aid their parents just as long as the parents are of sound mind and body. But when things get tough, or their parents start to forget things, they put them right into a home and never visit them again. I'm not saying that there are not times when seniors need proper medical supervision. What I am saying is that there are options. Some seniors may need to be admitted to a facility, while others can get by with using medical alert systems and their families. As someone who is staring down the possibility of caring for his parents in the next few years, it is comforting to hear a story like yours. Thank you for sharing Jayne, and God Bless.
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As a placment professional in the senior housing industry, I found that that many of our clients who were low income and still independent could not find housing within their means. With more and more of our population reaching this critical age, I knew there had to be an answer to keep these boomers and seniors from “falling through the cracks.”
Seniors Homing Together, LLC, is a web-based service designed to match either boomers and up who are seeking a place to live with those who are current home owners, or those looking for compatible roommates to rent a home together. Our team has created an in-depth profile for both the home seeker and home owner to complete. The questions are designed to provide detailed personal and lifestyle preferences to help ensure all parties have a compatible and rewarding home life.
In addition to saving money, there are a number of other ways boomers and seniors will benefit;
v By having a ready-made social network for companionship that helps prevent isolation and depression
v By matching one or more people who enjoy doing different household duties, such as cooking and cleaning, yard work and gardening, home maintenance, and so forth.
v By watching out for each other in case of emergencies
v By encouraging the independence of living with peers instead of with adult children or other family members
v Should the need arise, the possibility of hiring home services that everyone contributes to, allowing the household to stay intact as long as possible.
Seniors Homing Together is currently establishing relationships with regional and national organizations that see the value of this vision. The website at www.seniorshomingtogether.com offers affordable co-housing opportunities for seniors who might not have other options available.
Michele Fiasca, Co-founder, Seniors Homing Together
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I am a senior in my late eighties who recently moved to a CCRC in Portland, Holladay Park Plaza near the LLoyd Center. It was a very wise move, done while I was still able to make the decisions on my own. I needed physical help at times, but the decisions were all mine.
After my husband died in October and I returned home from a few days in the hospital myself I knew that I needed to move out of my home of 45 years, a country house on a large piece of property, a beautiful mountain view, and just crammed with stuff we had collected. The maintenance it required overwhelmed me and I knew I must sell it. It took me 6 months, working 5 to 6 hours every day to sort the collection of stuff in house, basement, shop and garage. My mantra was "Every day throw away, give away or sell something." I had a young woman who helped many mornings packing things I would keep. My kids who were 30 miles away and busy with jobs and young children helped haul away some of the stuff, but the major work was done by me and my helper.
I sold the house in 25 days and I am now a veteran of three weeks in my lovely one bedroom apartment with a beautiful view of Portland's skyline, making new friends, joining in the exercise classes and activities and enjoying the variety of good food every evening. My kids are now close, I have almost no responsibilities and I am certain that this was a good move for me.
I urge seniors to be proactive--- look ahead, move before advancing age and ill health force the changes. There is still time to enjoy life at 80 or ninety or even older.
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Hi Great post and i'am trying to understand everything. Working with MVC was fine until the datagrid problem came up. My question is: I have to connect to a third party system which I can query with a specific language. The result is given back as a datatable with all the rows and columns. Can I connect/use this datatable as a datasource for the grid? And if so, please advise how to do this. software reviews
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It is true that as we get older, we can't sustain the same lifestyle that we've has young, healthy people. Due to aging and illness, we have to downsize most of the aspects of our lives. I have entered an easy saver program that helped me decide where I should retire, what activities I should focus on and what I shouldn't do any longer. Living a simpler life leads to the much needed peace of mind.
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As someone who helps seniors downsize, move, or age in place, it can be overwhelming for seniors to face years of "stuff", sort through it to decide what to keep, what to let go, while trying to find a positive definition of their new life. While the process can be difficult, knowing that their no-longer-needed belongings can be useful to others is very comforting. The most important thing is to do it while you have control of your choices.
And some stuff just needs to be recycled, including those old piles of National Geographic....