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The holiday season is a time for family, but long gone are the days of the Norman Rockwell image. In 2008 half as many people got divorced as got married in Oregon — leaving many children switching from mom's house to dad's at some point during their celebration. It means some families welcome their ex's new partner to dinner. It means family, and family scheduling, gets more complicated.
Many people don't participate in their traditional family celebration at all, perhaps because they are single, or widowed, they have a partner their family doesn't approve of, or they have an ongoing argument that has caused a rift. Many people end up celebrating alone. Others find new family among friends instead.
How important is family to you during the holidays? Who do you most want to celebrate with? How has your definition of family changed as you have?
Tagged as: divorce · family · holiday · marriage
Photo credit: = xAv = () / Creative Commons
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I am a divorced parent of a young child, and also grew up as a child of divorced parents. I know how it feels to have split parents that don't communicate at all. I had two Christmases every year.
For my son, I want him to know that both this parents will always be around and in his life. We do his birthday together, Halloween together, and even did a little vacation together this summer. He always spends Christmas Eve/Christmas with me, but this year we have invited his dad and his dad's new partner for dinner on Christmas day. Hopefully when he looks back as an adult, it will be a good memory of being surrounded by people who love him during the holidays.
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I think the mania of holiday celebrations are mostly for kids, and I don't have any.
As a single person, and since my parents are now gone, I prefer to spend christmas by myself in my comfy chair and my not-that-attractive sweatsuit, with a good book, good food, nice music and a glass of eggnog. Not always possible, since my married siblings find that to be a lonely and pathetic way to spend the day, so they harangue me about joining them for---whatever---and sometimes I give in. But if I had my druthers ...
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What a perfect topic. I am grappling with this very concept this year, as my mom died 3 years ago and my dad has since remarried and now has a "new family" to be with. My sister, brother and I have been sort of left in the lurch to continue our family traditions on our own, or choose to merge with my dad's family and go along with their traditions. I have been working very hard on keeping an open mind as I realize that my childhood memories and family traditions I used to look forward to at the holidays are long past. I am accepting this as part of life's changes, and just go with it. Once I do have my own children, I think I will also take up some of my old traditions with them. In the meantime, I'm just learning how other people "do" the holidays.
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Both my husband and I welcome a quiet, no family, no drama, no mandatory gift exchange and subsequent disappointment, etc Christmas. We live far away from our very dysfunctional birth families and have done so for the 30 years we have been married. As a result, we have had the freedom to shape our celebrations in ways that make us appreciative. In the early years, I spent considerable energy wishing and hoping that changes would occur and we could return home and experience those wonderful "Hallmark commercial" family reunions - I finally realized that those commercials were staged and that's what we have to do.
Today and tomorrow, we will cook a holiday meal, read books, go for a walk with our joyous puppies, listen to holiday music and be thankful for having each other and embrace our long ago decision to stop the dysfunctional holiday syndrome!
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As soon as I came out as queer my father cut me off from that side of the family, including my, then young, half-sisters. A few years back my mother died and left me with only a brother as blood family. My brother lives in another state and travels a lot and neither of us have kids.
In the LGBT community we are familiar with building and celebrating chosen family. This year my partner and I celebrated Hannukah with the people in our life that we consider chosen family. For Christmas we will be celebrating with our Christian chosen family as well.
Though being cut out of my father and my sister's lives hurt, I've found more joy in the people who have gathered around me than I ever could have with most of my blood family.
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It is strange being cut-off, it happened to me too, well I guess it is still happening. In my case it is something that will never be reconciled. It is odd to have a family and love that you came from them, and biologically what they stand for, but at the same time to understand that they hate or reject you, or at least a part of you. It is like missing a limb--you can imagine it working and almost day-dream it's there, but in reality you have a handicap---a part of you is damaged and you will never get it back. In my case, I know it is illogical and unnecessary to feel so aggrieved, because I have a new world at my feet, filled with new friends. But love lost is never entirely replaced; but, with a little history behind you, you start to think about it less.
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So many expectations. So much build-up. Such a litany of tradition. It is hard not to feel something about the holidays. Angry. Sad. Lonely. Lovely. Hateful. Sinful. Blissful. We go back and forth. It's greedy. It's religious. It's corporate. And, like many things, there is truth in all of it. On a personal level, I am (surprise) somewhat grinchy. But I respect the collective something that the Holiday season is. It gives us something to do. Something to cap-off the year with. Not to mention all the desert! The winter holidays are like the British Monarchy---sure it is a repressive and backwards way to be, but they give us a little glimmer, a little old-world glamour, a little pomp and revelry. In reality there is nothing inherently good about the holidays, but, alas, we are quite used to them.
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Did I miss something or have you taken leave of your senses?
The discussion with Ms. Sevin around maintaining tradition with her ex-husband for the sake of there daughters was truly frightening, given the fact she had a RESTRAINING ORDER against the husband.
What kind of message is she sending to her daughters by putting them at risk for sake of tradition. Of course tradition is important when someone's safety isn't at risk. But her primary responsibility is keeping her kids and herself safe.
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Allison -
I'm sorry we didn't get more of a chance to discuss the restraining order on the air, but I assure you that my husband has never harmed our children, and that I am at this point confident that they are perfectly safe. After extensive conversation with him as well as with therapists for all of us, I believe that this is the best course of action I can take right now. I think the message I am sending to my children is that I know their father is not simply a bad person, but a person who has struggled and is improving, and who loves them dearly. I want them to learn to weigh pros and cons and make educated decisions based on the best information they can obtain, believing that human beings are capable of change. I am proceeding with as much caution as I can, but I don't want my children to suffer needlessly by being kept away from a father that they need and would not be in danger with.
Jenni Seven -
THINK AGAIN, JENNY/JENNIE
who lifted her restraining order and seems on the road to going back to an abusive husband.
I hope the tape of your comments isn't played again after some tragedy to you or the children.
IF the restraining order was valid in the bright sun of summer, so is it valid in the twinkle of Christmas tree lighting.
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Hi, Eileen!
Safety has been a huge issue for us, and it took a few weeks of email contact as well as conversations with his therapist and our daughters' therapist before I decided that this was a wise decision. He has progressed greatly in the last 5 months, and I am glad to say that he has never harmed our girls. I can't be 100% certain that nothing will go wrong, but, after weighing the needs of my children against the odds of disaster, I know I'm making the best decision I can with the information that I have.
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I lost all of my close family in the last two years and I have kept busy volunteering. I was very grateful to several extended family and friends for inviting me to spend Christmas with them but I had already signed up to help on Transition Project's Christmas dinner. Next year, I may do something different; this year I feel good about helping others in some small way as the best present I could give myself and in the spirit of my family.
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This is the second xmas i have had since my son died. I really have never liked xmas much except for the joy he brought to it. his loss is unrecoverable, but--oddly--losing him has given me many things as well. Saliently, a group of friends that care deeply for me and never tire of my discussions of him. I miss my boy a lot. But since i cant have him, this group of friends is a great comfort.
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I came from a large family who celebrated holidays or special occasions with plenty of food and people every time. I moved to Oregon 3 yrs ago after my husband and I got married, and the family here is wonderful since I have 2 wonderful children; but I miss my "big" family very much. It is not the same here, but the meaning of holiday hasn't changed for me.
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Good topic! Family is crucial, and a chosen family is at least as good, but there are quite a few people that have neither healthy blood relations, nor friends who want to be their chosen family. One way or another you have to create strong and healthy bonds. If you need help finding like minded friends, try www.CreatingExtendedFamilies.com
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To give credit where it's due, the adoption agency mentioned by one caller is Open Adoption & Family Services. Now in its 25th year, OA&FS is a national leader in child-centered adoptions, serving the Northwest with offices in Portland, Seattle, Eugene and beyond. I'm an adoptive dad of two daughters, and our lives were all changed for the better by open adoption at OA&FS. Thanks to Think Out Loud for including the adoptive mom's voice in the discussion.
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I am single. I live in WA. My family is all in MD/VA. No one will visit me for the holidays because "you don't have a family so you can travel etc" I haven't put up my own decorations for 8 years. I miss all the parties and holiday fun with my "family" (friends and clubs etc). This year my 85 year old father declared "he hates Christmas and just wants to get it over with!" The rest of us are hurt and astounded, especially Mother. Spending the day alone as I have done before is better then this abuse.