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Father's Day at 100

AIR DATE: Friday, June 13th 2008

Download the mp3 for this show.

What does fatherhood mean in your family?

One hundred years ago Father's Day began in the United States in a church in Fairmont, West Virginia. The idea for it came from a local parishioner after a deadly mine explosion killed 361 men -- most of whom were fathers. (It also happened to be a good response to the new May celebration -- Mother's Day.)

Now this Hallmark holiday is celebrated around much of the world, from Thailand to Turkey. And in the intervening years the role of fathers has changed -- in some cases dramatically. Gone are the days of Father Knows Best when a tired man in a tie would come home to a kiss, a martini, and kids playing quietly in the other room.

Now most dads have a very active role in parenting: new research shows that they are actually doing twice as much childcare as they were just 30 years ago.

Today many dads face the realities of both parents working and balancing daycare and soccer schedules, creating an altogether more complicated picture of fatherhood than the distant martini-drinker of legend. Some fathers are choosing to stay home full-time to take care of the kids. Others can hardly get away from work to see their kids before they go to bed. And with the divorce rate at 40 percent, many have to deal with only seeing their little ones every other weekend, along with a holiday or two. These are stark differences from 30 years ago -- let alone from that first Father's Day in 1908.

What does fatherhood mean to you? If you're a dad, what role do you have in your children's upbringing? Is it what you hoped for when you thought of becoming a father -- or is the reality different from your dreams?

Are you a mom? How do you share parenting with your spouse? Is the division of duties fair or are you still the one expected to change all the dirty diapers?

And what memories do you have of your dad? What role did he have in your upbringing? What does D-A-D mean to you?

Tagged as: father · kids · parenting

Our Dad's Special Day is fast approaching. To mark this special day, why not give him a gift he'll treaure.There is need to spend a lot of money, just choose something that will make him smile. Let's show them how we appreciate them and use some of our resources to create a really special day for our fathers.

JeremyH — Wed June 2nd 1:37a.m.

Single gay father here. My son is 8 1/2 and I adopted him from Vietnam at 7 months, so we've been together for a long time. Not only am I a single father, but I also run my own business singlehandedly. Yes, the pressures are great: the right school, the right summer camps, the right dinners, the right lunches for school, field trips, sports, vacations, and the laundry, laundry, laundry! I finally got a nanny a year ago to pick my son up from school in the afternoons and help with homework and allow me the time to work and go to the gym. I think it gets easier, but I'm not sure about that! The rewards? Well, if you don't have kids you can't imagine the work; nor can you imagine the amazing love and bond between child and parent. Father's Day is just another day for me, but I'm glad we're honored, at least for a day!

timopdx — Thu June 12th 7:01p.m.

I am a new father with a daughter just shy of a year. My wife works full time in a nonprofit organization, and makes the bulk of our household income. I fill in the gap in income and insurance working part time in a local SE grocery store. When I am not working I am taking care of my daughter while my wife works, or when she needs to travel due to work. If that wasn?t enough I am fervently perusing a career in the music industry with a self owned and operated record label.
I often find it difficult to spend time with friends, and find time for myself. This brings me great perspective on my own parents. I can also understand the incredible happiness that a child?s laughter can bring to a home.
All in all, I am still stunned that if you talked to me two years ago I would do everything I could to avoid all children, and today I make googlly eyes and a funny face at every kid I meet!

bubbles — Thu June 12th 8:13p.m.

Oh my how things have changed. My father worked incessantly long hours, came home, and then left again sometimes working through the night. That was back when men were men and women were NOT superheroes. My mom was a stay at home mom and I talked to her about my life ... at least some of it. In my late 30's wife and I had a daughter and all of the things they said about it changing you really happened...um ... like overnight. I was convinced prior to that, that the "change thing" that new parents talk about was just a wives tail. That parents told people so they could circle their chairs around the children at parties and have a little club they could all belong to, but me....I grew up on a dime....I didn't have a clue before that. Nothing changed in the typical sense but inside everything changed. I was convinced (still am) that my daughter was the most wonderful gift I had ever been given. It's not easy to work long hours, come home, cook dinner, then feel you are giving much quality time to your daughter but I really and truly do the best I can. And when she leaves I find myself watching little girls jumping on their fathers at grocery stores and remembering times when my daughter did that...and occasionally a tear wells up and I ache for her even though she only left the day before.

At some point through the years I finally came to grips with the fact that as much as I hated to deal with it, I was gay. The unspeakable "G" word was a moniker I could no longer avoid. Wife and I separated and much to my total shock and surprise we have been closer friends than ever, and my daughter seems to be at least okay with it. So there is no one in my childhood to be like, no one to copy. And now I find myself no longer feeling weird that I am probably one of the few guys that tries to stay emotionally close while not being all that good at guy things like board games and small talk.

Was being a dad what I had hoped for? Absolutely not.... I had no idea ... no concept whatsoever... little did I know that life was in black and white and had very little depth, and (like Wizard of Oz) overnight everything would change to beautiful color. And that I would matter...and what I said and did made a difference. This was the most incredible gift I would ever receive...

bookwrm — Thu June 12th 9:15p.m.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with my son, who's almost two. The decision was actually very easy for my wife and me. We were living in Boston at the time, and we both agreed that we'd really like one of us to be home with our soon-to-be-born son. She loved her job, I didn't really like mine, and when we ran the numbers we confirmed that we could make it on her income (plus a little freelance work by me on the side). She did the first twelve weeks on paid maternity leave, then I left my job and took over. I have to say, I haven't once regretted the choice, nor have I missed the office!

It's been a significant challenge moving here to Portland, though. My wife went to Lewis and Clark, so she has some familiarity with the city. I don't, and being dropped into a new city, with none of the friends and places I was familiar with, takes on a particularly difficult twist when you're home with a child. I've been lucky enough to have made some good acquaintances here, through activities at the library, indoor gyms, music classes and the like. I've also started a group for stay-at-home dads in the area as a way of networking with other male caregivers (see www.portlanddad.com). Through it I'm hoping to connect with other dads, find opportunities for my son to make friends with other kids his age, and provide the same kind of resource for dads that moms seem to have in abundance.

PortlandDad — Fri June 13th 4:49a.m.

The role of Fathers has shifted and I think for the better. Our generation(I'm 30) were raised by mom and dad who both worked...dad was still always at work and mom was trying to have a career and family and everything fell on her. I think parents today, not just fathers, are more interested in spending quality time with their children and being really involved. Couple that with less static gender roles and now it is easier for a couple to look at their individual earning potential and say hey maybe it makes sense for the partner to makes less money to stay home with the kids. My partner and I both have to work but we try to balance out the work of our two kids (7 and 6) as much as possible. He drops them off at school, I pick them up. I make dinner and help them with homework, he puts them to bed and gives me quiet time at night. It just makes sense, if you have the luxury of two parents why wouldn't they both be as engaged as they can be. P.S. My partner and I are two men, notice how the story doesn't seem any different than that of a straight couple...parenting is the great equalizer, we all deal with many of the same challenges when it comes to raising kids and dealing with schools and playdates. We aren't boogie men.

JoshToddPDX — Fri June 13th 11:37a.m.

I am a brand new father. My daughter Brooke is going on 8 months. I call myself "Mr. Mom" after Michael Keaton's movie from the 80's. I stay at home taking care of everything and experiencing all the joy of playing with Brooke and teaching her about all the things I think she needs to know at this age.

My wife is a little jealous since she cannot be at home. She is the money-maker right now until I can make it thorugh school and get a good paying job that can supplement her income. She will then stay at home.

It hasn't been easy cutting back on all expenses to keep one parent home so that we are in charge of her care and education, but the last 8 months have been worth every sacrifice we have made and will make. I love my daughter and when I think about graduating from college next year and looking for a job, it saddens me that I will not be there for her. But I know that my wife needs the opportunity to share with Brooke what I share with her everyday.

JustinBE — Fri June 13th 11:55a.m.

My wife and I traded: she stayed home the first year after our son was born; then she went back to school and I stayed home the second year. Coming up on year three we're looking at day cares because I work from home as well, and naptime isn't long enough to get it all done!

Jesse42 — Fri June 13th 12:02p.m.

Someone, I think it was Dave Miller, suggested that there were so many posts from stay-at-home fathers because either some sort of stay-at-home-dads-message-board had linked to this page, or else because there are more than the one out of five which the studies suggested. I think neither of these is correct, it is a question of oversampling your population: the type of father who is more likely to stay at home with his child is also more likely to listen to OPB in the mornings :)

Jesse42 — Fri June 13th 1:31p.m.

When my wife had to return to work after her maternity leave expired the only viable choice for us was for me to stay home and raise our son, Carl. My job paid less than half of my wife's salary and we felt it was worth the financial sacrifice of my quitting to raise our own child rather than paying someone else to watch him. So far it's working out pretty well. Carl's happy, the house is clean, the laundry is done, and I get dinner done about 80% of the time. Carl and I spend our days walking, playing disc golf (with him in a stroller), running errands, cleaning house, reading, and working on our tummy time. I feel very fortunate to have this opportunity to spend as much time with him as I do. I know a lot of fathers can't.

troygarcia10138 — Fri June 13th 12:06p.m.

Please, Fathers are not becoming mom's. For one to refer to an active father as "Mr. Mom" is missing an important distinction. Fathers are becoming more active parents and more active fathers -- not mothers. Fathers bring distinctly different skills and perspective to the role of a parent than mothers do. Sure there is overlap in the care and raising of a child, but a father's role is, and will be different.
Let's give Fathers the respect of recognizing the special attributes that fathers bring to parenting -- first by not mistaking them for mothers. And, let's not diminsh the role of mothers either -- or single parents of either sex. Together, or solo, mothers and fathers are parents.

Leigh O'Malley, LMHC. I am a therapist working with families / fathers / mothers / victims and perpetrates of domestic violence / family issues. I lead several fathering groups in Southwest Washington.

leigh OMalley — Fri June 13th 12:24p.m.

Leigh, I believe the point here is that fathers are becoming more nurturing and engaging in behaviors which have traditionally been linked to mothers. Giving birth to a child does not turn a woman into a mother any more than the donation of a sperm turns a man into a father. It is the dedication to consistently and appropriately meeting the moment-to-moment and day-to-day needs of a child the makes a woman a mother and a man a father. Single mothers have been acknowledged for being both mother and father to their children.

I have worked with families for more than 30 years in a wide variety of roles. I have been a substitute father to more than half a dozen girls who are now women in their 30's who still contact me on a regular basis. I have taught parenting classes, sex abuse groups, therapy groups, etc. But thing cold have prepared me for the joys of fatherhood and being with my daughter everyday and to participate in her evolution into various developmental stages. Let fathers have their day. It taks nothing away from mothers/women.

MeanMachine2 — Fri June 13th 12:58p.m.

I couldn't agree with you more. Congratulations on the work you've done and I share the "joys of fatherhood" right along side you. The point that I really wanted to clarify is that, in my perspective, fathers and fatherhood is discounted when we are referred to a Mr. Mom, or as the promotion for this program stated "fathers are becoming more like mother's." I hear in your note that you are proud of being a father. So am I. That is being a father, not becoming a mother. I think we are in agreement there. Cheers

leigh OMalley — Fri June 13th 9:44p.m.

"Giving birth to a child does not turn a woman into a mother any more than the donation of a sperm turns a man into a father."

You've got to be kidding...Your comment takes a great deal away from mothers because it denies the physiological and emotional act of growing and bearing a child, something sperm donation does not even come close to. The role that has been traditionally linked to mothers is because of this act, one that men are not physiologically capable of (even the guy (?) in Bend).

My husband and I are the parents of three beautiful children. He has been present and integrally involved in their lives since they were in utero. We share parental joys and responsibilities pretty evenly, and he has an amazing bond with our kids. I have nothing but absolute respect for him and his role in our lives, even though we don't always see eye-to-eye on parenting choices. Our kids benefit from having two very involved parents and are all the better for our differing but cooperative parenting approaches.

And HE certainly respects that, although he provided the fertilization, my body developed, carried, and bore those lives. That respect, to me, is affirmation of our relationship as parents and as two people who are deeply in love.

lkboyd — Wed June 18th 12:29p.m.

Married father-left a college teaching job to become full time father when my wife developed post partum depression. It was really really hard! Parenting is a huge challenge-I was raised to compete, not cooperate-and parenting works best cooperatively. Men aren't socialized to bond -(we need a social services agency!) but those of us who adapt-who change and often do so in isolation-we deserve more than aftershave and ties...glad you're doing a show on it.

papatango — Fri June 13th 12:23p.m.

My wife and I are currently trying to start a family. We have discussed what we're going to do once we have our child. The position that we keep coming to is the difficult issue that while I would rather be the one to be a stay-at-home parent, I also have the larger paycheck, which would make it a harder arrangement to manage. It would actually be difficult to give up either of our paychecks, but we don't want to have to put our children in daycare either. We have not yet figured out how we're going to resolve this, but we're still working on it...

SnowyRiver — Fri June 13th 12:25p.m.

I'm a stay at home dad in my early 30s. My wife and I had our first child two years after moving to Eugene, Oregon. She's been working full time as an ER physician since we moved, and I spent the first several years here in school working on a paramedic degree. I was planning on getting a firefighting job, but decided against it after our second son was born in early 2007. My wife's schedule changes from week to week and her shifts can be any time during the day, so trying to find daycare when while we were both working would have been a nightmare. Also it seemed pointless for me to be working and spending a big chunk of income on daycare for the kids. So I just stayed home.

I've been doing this for four years or so now, and it's pretty fantastic. 95% of the time I can't imagine wanting to do anything else. The other 5% I wish I had a job that I could escape to. I'll admit that most men I talk to that hear my situation are pretty jealous, and would take my job in a second.

Though my wife's schedule is all over the map, it does enable her to be around the house more than I think a standard 9-5 M-F job would. I think this probably helps combat some of those emotional feelings like your caller Elizabeth has. Every now and then she'll have a shift that gets her home right as the kids are going to bed, and she'll have to decide between not seeing them at all for that day, or popping in to say goodnight and then having to deal with getting them all riled up for another hour or so. I know it probably pains her a little bit when that happens, but I think all the good outweighs the bad.

gabebillings — Fri June 13th 12:43p.m.

I'm not hearing much from the fathers on-air about the all the mundane things like laundry and house cleaning ... !

sueinpdx — Fri June 13th 12:29p.m.

I?m lucky and grateful to have had such a loving and dedicated father. While growing up, he managed a business, built a house and raised us all with our mother. He was a role model to all of us and was an example just by his actions. He included us in his work and projects (see photo dad and 62 Chevy. We rebuilt the truck that built the house)and around the house, helped us with homework and
science projects, proactive in our clubs and community. We've taken many memorable road trips as well. Learning, living and loving with dad was fun, life was great. After his sudden death at 55, we all took what Dad taught us and had applied it to all aspects of living. It was not until we were adults to learn how difficult it was for him during WWII hiding from the Nazis, putting himself through school post war, looking for employment, then moved to the U.S., married my mom, built houses in Alaska and started a business in Southern California, but the business was not doing well and he never gave up on his belief in himself, his dedication to his marriage and children. Today, I'm a single parent raising twin teenage daughters, My story maybe different, but the underlying story here is really no different. If it were not for my father?s character instilled in us, I would not have the gifts to provide my daughters during their difficult time of transition. My dad was a great model. Thanks dad and Happy Fathers day to all!
HH

Heye H — Fri June 13th 12:32p.m.

For around 3,000 years the standard of parenting for followers of the Abraham religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, was embodied by the King Solomon advice ?spare the rod and spoil the child? or as my father told me ?you have to put the fear in them early?. Then along came the psychologist B. F. Skinner and his studies on psychological conditioning, which are only recently being understood in parenting and raising childen; Rewarding desired behavior and not punishing the undesired behavior.


I had to ask the question ?who benefits? about the King Solomon method and after long study and thought I realized that only a King would benefit. A King has to beat and intimidate his subjects into obedient submission and the genius ( evil) of King Solomon was in getting parents to turn against their own children and do that beating and intimidating for him. And that has worked for all kings, pharoahs, emperors, and the rest of that ilk.


But now we know from Skinners work that the Solomon method is exactly the wrong and opposite way if we want to raise strong courageous kids into good citizens suitable for participation in a democracy. Solomon creates rebellious kids, fearful humans, and unquestioningly obedient subjects instead of strong upstanding, courageous, and participating citizens.


Parenting has come a long way from Skinner but there is still a very long way to go.


But throughout history there have been examples of Skinners ideas as in ?horse whisperers? and other people who learned to train animals with positive reinforcement instead of trying to beat them into submission.

Tom D Ford — Fri June 13th 12:37p.m.

When our daughter was born a year ago, my husband didn't miss a beat. He is as in love with her as I am, and he parents and cares for her with the same level of enthusiasm as I do. We have always had a very equal relationship and that continues as we parent our child. I find it odd when women talk about their husbands "babysitting" their children when mom is away. A father is not a stand-in for mom. He's an equal partner with equal caregiving abilities and responsibilities. From my observations, the problem is sometimes the mom who refuses to relinquish control to the husband or doesn't trust him to look after the child as well as she does. Moms -- dads might do things differently, but you're depriving them of bonding opportunities when you don't give them the opportunity to spend time together.

rntaylor — Fri June 13th 12:41p.m.

I became a father for the first time at aged 36 while self-employed as a design consultant. Shortly after Hunter's birth, my wife went back to work and I became a stay at home, self-employed dad. On the day my wife went back to work, I sat in the glider holding Hunter and looking out the window and wondering who was going to wet their pants first, Hunter or me. I was absolutely petrified, but it worked out all well and good. Myself, being adopted, I spent the first of my life in a Catholic Charities Home with a bunch of nuns. Not very condunsive to forming strong lifelong bonds. My daughter Hunter and I have the bond that I never received as a child, and for that alone I am forever grateful for being able to be a stay at home dad

KenDost — Fri June 13th 12:43p.m.

I am an older mom, having given birth to my daughter at 40 yrs. It would have been fairly unusual to see a dad of my generation stay at home with the kids. In my situation, my daughter had some medical issues early on in her life, and it seemed that these issues, rather than making us a team, pulled us apart. My ex-husband tended to defer to my decisions about everything concerning our daughter. As a result, he and my daughter have never fully bonded emotionally. He loves her and she knows it, but they are constantly bickering and I wouldn't consider them to be close. I truly believe that fathers play a crucial role in establishing the bond with their child, early on, which is essential to healthy growth. I commend these stay-at-home fathers of the younger generation, who realize the importance of their job.

carolep — Fri June 13th 12:44p.m.

My father and mother both lived the traditional American Family: he worked and spent a great deal of time at work. my mom was at-home and stopped working as a teacher to be home with the kids and never went back. my father's role modeling for me gave me a self-image and expectation that I would provide for my own family financially. I never had a great role model for how men express emotion or communicate about emotional issues.

As a full time stay at home dad, I struggle on this issue and try very hard to make sure my own two boys learn how to express themselves, how to communicate and how to love others as fully as possible.

Eric Miller — Fri June 13th 12:48p.m.

I had a traditional father, working the normal 9-5 schedule. My wife and I decided to try the progressive and different roles exchange. I stayed home with our two children and she worked a corporate job that made much more money than I did. After a year, she decided she missed the kids (not the laundry and cleaning) and I missed some vague kind of fulfillment that came from working outside the home. Now, I'm a teacher and I am still very involved with my children and their upbringing, but I also get fulfillment from going to work everyday. There is something to say for traditional gender roles and hardwiring in the brain. (I still do all the cooking and shopping - so maybe that is the hunter/gathering in me?)

aaronbyers — Fri June 13th 1:01p.m.

My husband and I are the parents of an 11 month old. I went back to work full time on a compressed 4 day week when our son was 3 months old. My husband works for himself as an acupuncturist and, therefore has somewhat greater flexibility in his schedule. Our son is in day care 3 days a week (my husband and I each taking a full day off to round out the week). Despie having to run his own practice, my husband does far and away more than the other dads we know. He drops our son off at day care, cleans and puts away all of the laundry, manages and labels all of my pumped breastmilk to take into day care and is the first to volunteer to whisk our son away to change his diaper. He also has a very sweet ritual of giving our son a full body massage with olive oil after his baths. What has been very surprising is to hear from my mother friends about how comparatively little their husbands do - even if both are working full time.

Because I am working full time, we has chosen to maintain a family bed with unrestricted breastfeeding. As a result, neither of us has had more than 4 hours of consecutive sleep since our son was born. We're older parents (41 and 47) so are really feeling the effects of sleep deprivation. I cannot image carrying all of the attendant responsibilities of child rearing without the help of my husband - even with the 2 of us doing all that we do it still feels like we are in triage mode. This is going to be his first father's day and we are definitely celebrating!

lisa41 — Fri June 13th 1:04p.m.

I am the director of a parenting program in Central Oregon and want to commend your interest in encouraging fathers to be involved in raising their children. It is the hardest and most important job anyone can take on and it was wonderful hearing the dads on the program affirming this.

We often have dads that are the main care giver of their children attending our weekly parent/child groups and they add a wonderful ingredient to our program. During the school year, parents attend weekly with their child and spend an hour playing with their child in age appropriate activities planned by trained early childhood educators. During the second hour the children are in a Children's program with the early childhood staff and the parents separate to spend time with a trained parent educator. I would love to pass on information to anyone interested in doing a similar program. Our web site is www.Together-For-Children.org where they can find information about our program. Or, I can be reached at edie@together-for-children.org. I would also like to hear from any of the dads involved in an all dads program as we are hoping to add this to our offerings in the near future. Thank you for recognizing the important contributions dads make in raising their children

Edie Jones — Fri June 13th 1:25p.m.

I did not have an opportunity to listen to the program but I applaud your attention to the topic. My mother called me in the middle of the show to say that commenters were reporting that while young fathers of the current generation take care of their infants and toddlers, fathers of previous generations did not. While I'm sure this is representative of the average trend over the last half century, it is not a universal truth. My father was my primary day time care taker while he was in graduate school, 50+ years ago. He took me to the park, changed me, fed me, put me down for naps and generally attended to all my needs while my mother worked in the Botany Department at Dartmouth College. This was a choice driven by economics. Even with the generous GI Bill in the Korean War era, my father could not earn enough working at night to take care of all his family's need. And, my mother had completed her graduate education and could earn more than he could. Taking care of a small child is a very taxing job--and, there were very few social supports for dads doing so in the 50s. Maybe there still are few. But, this physical caretaking creates a bond that I'm not sure can be created any other way.

lisa mykrantz brown — Fri June 13th 1:29p.m.

I'd just like to invite any part or full time dads-at-home (or granddads, or male nannies, etc.) who are interested to visit [url]www.portlanddad.com[/url] and join our email list/network. We've got more than 30 dads in the Portland area signed up, and are looking forward to playgroups, dads' nights out, trips to OMSI, the zoo, baseball games, etc., this summer. It's also a forum for members to share parenting information, personal experiences, requests for assistance or guidance, and the like. If you have questions, you can contact us at webmaster@portlanddad.com.

PortlandDad — Fri June 13th 4:21p.m.

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