SHARE THIS SHOW:
RECENTLY ON TOL:
TOL Our Town
- A tumblr site dedicated to the people and places that make up Oregon and Southwest Washington.
TAGS:
How to Talk to Kids about Sexual Offenders
Last week a graphic booklet called "Operation Safe Summer" was sent home with some children from kindergarten to grade five in Portland public schools. Along with providing information about summer programs it also had a fact-sheet about Measure 11 crimes. This booklet was created by the Portland police. It described Sexual Abuse 1 like this:
You are baby-sitting (sic) or playing with a small child. You have sexual contact with them by touching their penis, vaginal area, or anus, or by making them touch you in those same places. You will go to prison and could be there for 6 years and 3 months.
A number of parents felt this was not appropriate language for young children and it didn't take long for the Portland Police to pull the booklets and apologize for the inclusion. It left us wondering exactly what the appropriate language is for talking to kids about sexual offenders — about crimes they could be caught committing and about how to recognize people who could be abusive to them.
As a parent you want to protect your children, but you don't want to scare them. So how do you talk to your children about sexual offenders in a way that is age appropriate? Many people believe that the "stranger danger" message isn't helpful since studies show the vast majority of offenders are people the victims know.
On this show we'll speak with experts in child abuse prevention abuot what they know works. And we want to hear from you. Did you receive "Operation Safe Summer"? What was your reaction to it? Have you talked to your kids about about the dangers of sexual offenders? How did you bring up the subject? How do you make your children aware without making them fearful? If you are a teacher or social worker, is this a lesson you have had to teach?
Photo credit: Nickolas Muray / Creative Commons
-
I needed to know about sexual abuse by the time I was six years old, but nothing was ever said to me about the subject by my parents (even when older.)
I wouldn't have needed to know much. At that age all I needed to know was that I had the right to say no to anyone touching me. Also, that if someone touched me, even so simple as a touch on the hand, and then told me to not tell my parents to tell my parents! Having that little bit of knowledge could have saved me from a painful childhood experiance.
-
Agreed. My grandfather was the perpetraitor of sexual molestation in my family. Unfortunately, my family is very emotionally challenged and no conversation on this topic was ever or has ever taken place. I was molested as a young child - I can only remember 1 instance when I was 6 but I know it happened before then. I told no one until I was 12 when I found out my sister had been molested when she was 3. I have 8 other female cousins and to this day I am not sure if some or all of them were likewise abused. My guess is that all of them were.
It is incredibly sad that we all had to suffer in silence. My grandfather was never tried for his crimes. I was never told as a child how to say no or that I could even talk to my parents about this. The worst part is that for the 6 years before I could tell anyone, I was convinced it was my fault. That I could have stopped it.
Every parent should talk to their kids - of all ages - about what inappropriate touching is. And create an environment that encourages their children to come to them if anything ever happens. No child should ever have to suffer in silence!
-
frostindri - I completely agree with your post. I wish that someone would have told me when I was very young that it's okay to say no. I didn't fully understand what was happening to me until I had a health class in 9th grade (WAY TO LATE) and they discussed sexual abuse. It had haunted me until this point and I finally told my parents. To this day - 20 years later, I am still trying to pick up the pieces. I can only hope parents aren't naive and think it won't happen to their kids so they simply ignore the topic. Talk.
-
That is a good point you make, swimmer. I never really dealt with my sexual abuse until after I was raped in college. I had not learned how to properly deal with these situations until it happened again. All the old feelings of guilt and shame resurfaced. It took a couple years of counseling to come to a place where I could accept that both situations were not my fault.
To the mother who suspects her daughter may have been abused - may I suggest counseling. Pick the right counselor, though. Someone you can trust and someone you think your daughter will trust. Then, let her go in alone. I went to a lot of family counseling as a kid and never opened my mouth. But the counselor I found after being raped was an amazing, caring woman. I was finally able to talk about the sexual abuse and find closure.
-
When my son was 3, I checked out "The Right Touch," out of the library. Both my husband and I had a funny feeling about a neighbor (based on absolutely no fats at all, just how he looked at our son). We have talked about sexual abuse (and earthquakes and busy streets, rattle snakes, cougars, etc) all the time. We play games about how to stay safe (you hear a rattlesnake - what do you do?....Mama says STOP, back away slowly - what do you do? The earth is shaking! What do you do? and someone says, "Come see X, or let me tickle you here - don't tell anyone," what do you do?). Information is power. You don't have to go into graphic detail about anything, but information is power and we MUST teach our children how to stay safe, how to say no, how to listen to their guts, and how to use your words, how to run away, and how to fight if it comes right down to it (like when camping and you see a cougar/bear approaching you).
The book (for parents) "everything you never wanted your kids to know about sex but were afraid they'd ask," is a great book on how to talk to your kids about all things sexual. They should really know the basics by age 4.
-
Thank you so much for this info and your straight forward way-I know what to say next now! Teresa
-
This is just one more aspect of modern America that mystifies me. Growing up in the early 40s in Long Beach CA, no one ever spoke to kids about these issues- not teachers and not parents, either. I never heard of these kinds of activities until I was grown. We kids were at the near by park and at the beach and at the Pike all summer and I never heard of any kid being assulted.
One thing certainly is different today. Kids seem to be less intelligent today than when I was growing up. We knew, I suppose, instinctively, what was proper adult behavior and what was not. No one had to give us illistrated booklets to explain such aberrative contact.
There was a feeble minded man who lived on our block. He tried to grab kids and just wrestle with them in a way we kids knew was not normal, but not overtly sexual. Still we knew it wasn't how adults were supposed to behave and we stayed clear of him.
We didn't need a lecture from a school teacher or a cop to tell us what was inappropriate behavior..we just knew. Today the subject is everywhere, kids can't avoid learning about such things before they are old enough to handle the topic. The rate of increase of such incidences seem to be related in some casual manner to the amount of information being spread about by all forms of media and by various authorities. That relationship should be studied.
-
I grew up in India where its so dangerous to walk on the roads and take public transport as this kind of abuse happens all the time . When I grew up and started working , I was taking the public transport to office and back and I got touched in the bus and on the road even though I wore the Indian dress( kurta pajama). Someone in the bus had fondled my chest and it was so heartbreaking for me .The first time it happened to me , I came home and hugged my mother and cried . My older sister told me that the best defense in buses was to carry a safety pin and then poke the person who tried doing anything to you.It worked.
Now I am in America and I have 2 boys - 5 and 2 . I am listening to this show to learn , when is the appropriate time to talk to them.
-
You have an excellent sister, willing to share with you solutions and help you feel more in-control.
-
I have never done this before and am not sure where my comment went...? Will try again.
We moved into a new neighborhood a few years ago and found out that there is a registered sex offender a few doors down. I felt no choice but to tell my 5 year old daughter about sex abuse. I would have liked to have kept her as innocent as I could for as long as possible. I appreciate this subject because this is so ALIVE for us. My daughter has had nightmares and we worry every day. Thanks,Teresa
-
Rather than scaring a five yr old with knowledge NOT age appropriate...why not do as my wife and I did with our four children and SUPERVISE THEM ALL THE BLESSED TIME.
The idea that a five yr old would not be constantly supervised by a parent is pretty typical of parental stupidity in the US today. Then when bad things happen to these children, the parents blame everyone but themselves who, in fact, hold primary responsibility for their children's safety and NOT the community.
-
As a child care provider and parent I work to instill from moment one an understanding of body boundaries and rights by non-verbal respect and actions when cleaning, changing, etc.. When they are capable of understanding verbal cues I make it clear with language and practicing actions to protect themselves.
That said, it is the care provider and parents job to follow their own intuition and research to keep children in safe situations.
I believe the language and actions needs to be started as soon as possible. From birth respect of physicality teaches boundaries and how we should be respected by others.
-
Both my husband and I experienced sexual abuse by friends of the family when we were young, and we suffered more from how our parents did not properly handle the situations than from the touching. (I didn't even realize that the touching had been inappropriate until a video was shown in our 4th grade class later that year.) I very-much hope that parents openly talk about how they would handle such a situation in their own families, because I can assure you that sweeping it under the rug will hurt your children for the rest of their lives, especially affecting their ability to trust the parents.
I have since experienced two serious incidents of sexual harassment in the workplace, and was not properly prepared to handle them. Now in my thirties, I am FINALLY learning better strategies to keep these forms of abuse from happening, and feel more confident in my ability to manage the situation if it occurs again.
We do not have children yet, but will absolutely be doing a lot of reading and talking before deciding how to approach the subject with them. I appreciate your show's forum today, which gives me the faith that I will handle the entire subject better than my family did, starting with actually talking about it.
-
I have two pre-K daughters and members of my family have been abused. I'm concerned because my oldest daughter is showing what I understand could be signs she's been abused - anxiety, embarrassment/self consciousness, explosive anger, touching her own genitals - but then, these are also things that kids do naturally. I have asked her if anyone has tried to touch her private parts, or done anything to make her uncomfortable. She has said no. I worry that if she had been abused, she's afraid to tell me b/c she's embarrassed, ashamed or scared. On the other hand, if she hasn't been abused (or if she has, even) I don't want to pester her. Does your guest have suggestions for how I might better have this conversation with my daughter - things that might open the door for her to feel safe talking to me if anything ever did/does happen?
Thank you - I'm so glad you're talking about this!
-
all of the radio comments were great so far, but I think it is important for people to remember that no matter what "statistics" say is the most important or likely scenariio, ALL of the education is important. My sister and I were sexually abused by my dad's best friend (the husband of my mom's best friend and parent to my best friend). Also, I was approached by a stranger at the park who exposed himself to me.
It is important to educate BOTH parents and kids, and I think the most important thing to teach kids is to trust themselves--their intuition--and if anyone asks them to do something (to themselves or someone else) that makes them uncomfortable, they should not do it, AND they should tell someone. AS a kid, I saw that the other adults didn't say anything when the abuser did something marginally innappropriate eventhough, for me, it felt very uncomfortable. I learned to not trust myself. Also, he had a keen eye for opportunities to take it to the next level when we were alone. THat is when my own intuition would have helped.
For me, I taught my daughter from age 4 or 5 to not participate in anything that she's not comfortable with. I included games at school or other things as well. We used to play a team relay in an after school program where we had to run to the other end of a room, grab something from a bag and eat it. Sometimes it would be something gross like baby food. I dont like these games because it teaches kids to do something to themselves that they don't want to do because other people are depending on them. this is why I don't like the show FEAR FACTOR. It's about doing something you don't want to--something to your body-- because other people want you to do it.
Trusting yourself when someone makes you fell uncomfortable is the MOST important thing.
-
I have heard comments from parents today about transients, drug users, and the insane. Let's not forget that one of the largest cases of sexual abuse in America is happening now. The offender is a PEDIATRICIAN.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-02-23-doctor-abuse-child-patients_N.htm
-
My daughter was touched by my step son from 4-8. Not until I left the relationship did she tell. I took her to her pediatrician and a counselor and she was put in a group through Cares that latter she told me was more traumatizing than what happened to her. The other girls where abused much worse than she was. So hard to know what is right. thanks, Teresa
-
Farrellte - When I finally told my parents they took me to a counselor that was almost as tramatic as the events themselves. She started right out asking me very graphic/specific questions and it was so overwhelming is forced me to not seek therapy until my early 20s.
-
Nap time is almost over, just wanted to make a quick comment on the healing process- for children and adults, finding therapy is truly healing. Massage Therapy, from someone who you can trust, can change and heal profoundly, as the issue/occurance is about touch. The body will hold onto the pain indefinitely without this kind of healing. Be present when your child is worked on so you can learn about what works to heal them, to assure them, and you.
best of luck to you all
-
How do you --- WARN OTHERS if SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY HAS DONE SEX ABUSE years ago (seems he's still in denial)?
I'd like to warn other members of our extended family to protect their children and also to get help for themselves if they were abused. This occurred 45 years ago and it was visual, so reporting it to authorities seems senseless.
It appears that my sibling is still in denial. I confronted him about it 17 years ago (verbally). He regretted that it hurt me, but felt that it was what teenage brothers do with their sisters. I confronted my nuclear family members last year (in written letters). In his letter, I asked him to truly apologize. No response. The others regret it, but will not refer to it as sexual abuse.
What was the "visual" sexual abuse? Displaying his active organ (done as a single activity or while playing card games), using a mirror to look under the door to view me, taking a me at 12 years to a violent porn movie, showing pictures of him having sex with women in Vietnam. Yes, sick. Thank heavens I am recovering.
-
Talk out loud today portrayed, inadvertently I hope, the abuse of girls as serious while similar abuse of boys was not. All the attention is given to the abuse of girls even though one in eight boys experience abuse.
Any abuse is unacceptable as is the double standard that abuse of boys is somehow less serious.
Having said that, this is a delicate subject and I appreciate your covering it.
-
THIS is a CRUCIAL point when dealing with people who have experienced abuse. Abuse does NOT happen, someone CHOSES to abuse someone else. Abuse is DONE to a victim. By assigning responsibility for the act of abuse, innocence is also assigned. The victim is innocent of abuse. Many victims are not aware of this.
Abuse is not an act of God, as a hurricane or an earthquake, a human being has chosen to abuse another. Please, all professional mental health workers and lay persons, stop saying abuse "happens". Abuse is a chosen act.
Please read through some of the following comments and see how frequently sexual abuse is referred to as having "happened." That expression does not assign responsibility.
I have been a therapist for 36 years, and have worked with many survivors of sexual abuse. Please help all victims/survivors know they are innocent.
Thank you.
Carol
-
What dogs my cat is reading about some 40 yr old man sitting in a court room beside his sniffling 70 yr old mother facing an aged priest and describing the 39- or was it 59- occasions of being buggered by the priest when he (man) was about 12 or 13 yrs old. The boy was victim only once, or stetching a point, twice; after that junior was a willing participant if he isn't a moron.
Now it is payday...not payback.
-
Check out the parent's resources at www.kidscenter.org
As mentioned on the program this morning, our community is really coming together for sexual abuse prevention and this site has lots of great resources.
-
The comment by "Gereng" which uses the term "buggered" is flagrantly inappropriate. I thought this site was monitored. Is anyone paying attention? Saying the victim was a "willing participant if he isn't a moron" is also over the line. This post should be removed and quickly.
- Ian
-
Why? It's a commonly used word for that act. We are all adults, here. If you are offended, then perhaps you are unusually sensitive.
My opinion of the behavior of a boy that age that continues to make contact with the monster (in this case, priests) is a reasonable one. Children that age are regularly assumed by courts to be responsible in many areas of behavior. A youngster of that age must bear some portion of the responsibility for persisting in an activity he clearly understands is wrong and illicit. I don't know about you, but at that age I certainly knew right from wrong. I learned it Sunday school and from my parents.
I would excuse a child of that age if they are of subnormal intelligence. In which case someone ought to be watching out for them. Parents maybe?
I stick to my guns concerning the appalling spectacle of middle aged men in courtrooms 20 to 40 yrs after the "assaults" going for the big bucks with mommie sitting sniffling beside them.
Has all common sense fled this country?
-
Comments are now closed.
Two years ago my 13 year old son attended a technology camp and was completely unprepared for what happened there. A counselor who had spent the previous week establishing "coolness" and trust with the kids asked his "help" in discovering who had was responsible for a video he had found on another camper's computer. The video contained underage teen pornography. The counselor asked him to view the video to see if he "recognized" anyone, then asked my child what he thought of it. My son answered gross and left the room as soon as he could.
As a parent, I had never even thought to address this kind of visual (or for that matter auditory) sexual abuse. As it turns out, many offenders don't touch a child first, they introduce the child to visual pornography under some ruse. Once they can get a certain comfort level established, the physical abuse begins.
The perpetrator was a technology consultant to more than one school district, a third year law student and board president of a technology education non-profit. Hundreds of child pornography videos were found in his house with a search warrant. He is now in jail.
I went to my two younger children and told them that "no touching" also extends to "no looking". I spoke to our elementary school counselor and principal and nothing along these lines is in the school curriculum.
I feel grateful that we dodged a more serious bullet. My heart goes out to all the families who suffer far more serious fates.
I don't think sex education needs to get too graphic for young kids. My mantra with my own children is, "If it is covered by underwear or a bra, no looking, no touching. Period." Curiousity is normal and healthy and we provide books to educate them about body parts and functions.