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The Inner Lives of Boys
- LATEST COMMENTS
- Take the song Jeremy by Pearl Jam. That young, silent ... - trurl9
- I can not roll blithely along thinking I'm entitled ... - trurl9
- Hey Slakr007, thank you for your responses. I don't ... - trurl9
We recently did a show with two teenage girls and author Rachel Simmons about her book The Curse of the Good Girl. We discussed the difference between being a "good girl" and a "real girl" and how childhood pressures end up affecting women far into adulthood. It was a great show - you can listen here - and a number of people wrote on our site: "hey, what about boys?" So, we are responding with an hour devoted exactly to that: to boys and the pressures they face.
I have a two year-old son so I can't help but wonder if author Michael Thompson, an expert on boys, is right when he says:
America's boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.
Right now my son is senstive and emotional. He likes to play with trucks and dolls. And while he is assertive I certainly wouldn't consider him aggressive. Is all that about to change?
Again, Michael Thompson, here with some of the questions we really need to delve into this hour:
American boys are troubled psychologically; they are not finding either success or peace of mind. Many are silent, angry and hard for adults to "read." Why? Is it because so many of American boys do not have a father? Is it because they spend too much time playing video games, or because they do not have adequate role models? Why is it so difficult for adults to talk to boys and learn what they are thinking? Are we raising our boys the wrong way? If so, what is the right way?
And how does the way these boys grow up affect them as adults? If a "good girl" becomes a "perfect mother" who starts the cycle of repression all over again, what happens to boys? How are men affected by the realities they face as children?
GUESTS:
- Peter Mortola: Associate Professor of Counseling Psychology and the coordinator of the School Psychology Program at Lewis and Clark College
- Derek Herman: Freshman at Roosevelt University. He is from Portland and graduated from Park Rose High School
- Riley Keltz: Junior at Lincoln High School
Photo credit: Paulo Brabo / Creative Commons
COMMENTS: (39 total)
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One way that we engage boys in BAM! is to tell stories like the one posted above. The stories model for boys the kind of sharing that can take place in the group, they highlight and prompt for discussion the many challenges that boys face and they give boys insight into their personal experiences.
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Some of The Problems
"Boy's Lives" and "Good Girls" are complex topics. So many factors go into developing a human. I'll briefly bullet some thoughts.
- How can boys be psychologically stable as our society socially rots from within?
- Too many boys grow up without enough guidance on how to live responsibly and effectively.
- Too many parents today praise their kids effusively while simiultaneously allowing them to run roughshod with impugnity.
- Too many boys watch media polluted with terrible role models, violence and mayhem which encourages negative thoughts and behavior.
- Video games stealthily teach boys to be the Air Force's future push-button warriors.
- Boys are taught to be strong and silent like John Wayne. Men who cry are considered to be sissies ripe for a beatdown in the bare-knuckle, reality-television game show we euphemistically call "life".
- Boys are not allowed to grow into men who are fully in touch with their emotions.
- Too many boys don't do house work, cook or take care of their family members.
- Too often everything is done for boys and they leave home without knowing how to care for themselves and others.
- Plenty of firearms end up in the hands of young, easily agitated, angry, repressed, thoughtless boys and this makes "life" dangerous for the rest of us.
- Pornography and pervasive sexuality in media lead many boys into suffering because they learn to treat women as sexual objects rather than human beings. Lack of emotional development creates future problems.
- Many boys desire to be free without having to be responsibile. Boys want sex without condoms but won't raise the children they create. Promiscuous girls are blamed for being the problem while promiscuous boys are excused for being "normal".
- Boys see their parents lose their jobs and learn the truth: there is little real opportunity for boys to succeed. Boys then feel expendable and this makes them fearful and bitter.
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Point 1: The "society is rotting" thing is unsubstantiated. There was no past "golden age" when society was perfect. In fact, overall, every new day is an improvement in human history.
Points 2 & 3: Agreed, but, as you say, that does not apply just to boys.
Point 4: Causation does not directly follow correlation. It is equally plausible that already violent children are attracted to violent movies/games as it is that violent movies/games instill violence in children. Further, I would argue that violent movies/games provide safe outlets for violent children.
Points 5 & 6: This has always been true, but I would say to a much much lesser extent these days.
Point 7: Goes with points 2 & 3.
Point 8: I would be willing bet this is more true for girls, honestly.
Point 9: Firearms are less available today than they ever have been in history. Besides, aggression is a aggression, it will be expressed regardless of the availability of firearms. Go after the aggression, not firearms.
Point 10: This is pretty lazy. Women have more status and respect than they ever have in history despite freely and widely available pornography.
Point 11: Maybe, but some studies are showing that boys/men have a greater desire now than ever to "nest".
Point 12: This has always been true.
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Oops, all of my point references are off by 1 after Point 4.
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Some Potential Solutions
How do we cure the degeneration of boys and girls within our society?
- Parents have to teach their kids values and responsiblities. Parents have to raise their kids. It's should not be the primary duty of television or schools to raise children. Parents must do more.
- Let's improve schools so kids learn how to think for themselves. Too many kits get through school, but they don't learn much.
- There must also be jobs, careers and opportunities for young people to develop or we'll still end up with bitter youth.
- Americans must learn to harness their impulsiveness and thoughtlessness. We can't have everything we want so we have to decide what is most important. We must eliminate living for the moment on debt.
- Perfect girls and boys are illusions masking problems. Humans can't juggle career, marriage and kids without many important life aspects falling through cracks.
- Too many Americans try to do too many things. They perpetually tell themselves time is money. They end up doing lots of things but none of those things are done exceptionally well.
- Let's get rid of pornography, religion, guns and warfare.
- Let's get out of Afghanistan, Iraq and Pakistan.
- Let's cap all salaries at $1,000,000 a year including bonuses. It's obvious the market system doesn't work correctly because it has been coopted by the rich to destroy the non-rich.
- Let's reform our governments, corporations, schools, laws and rules so they work better.
- Let's stop poisoning ourselves and the environment. How many pollutants cause young children to derail? How about the food we eat being produced by giant corporations who care about their profits rather than our health?
Our shortcut fast-life style leads to an early grave. Are we too stupid and apathetic to stop our self destruction?
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Trurl9,
I applaud you for coming up with potential solutions to the possible problems you have identified, too often people just complain.
When reading your solutions they do go way past what I would consider reasonable, such as salary caps, and removal of religion - this technique proved to be a bad choice for Communist Russia, and I don't think Chinese Youth are in a better position than our American children.
So to keep with your line of Possible Problems and Solutions I suggest the following:
The number of young men / boys diagnosed with ADD / ADHD, and "Learning Disabilites" has been rampant over the last few decades.
I would suggest to that we are using too many Phsyco active drugs on our children, and changing who and what they are becoming.
I grew up in North Portland, pre-gentrification, went to high school in Inner NE in the early 90's and things have already changed so much I find my self thinking "Thats just boys being boys" Boys fighting in school, well its perfectly fine, its gonna happen and it makes tougher men. The problem is when we coddle people to the point that columbine happens.
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Thanks for your input Uncommonsense. I realize I leave myself open to flames with a bullet list which can't fully explain my thoughts. I could write a chapter or book on each bullet point to fully explore it.
Salary caps came about because I see wealth redistributed such that 1-10% of people own 90% of the wealth. This boom and bust, creative destruction cycle destroys more than it creates. The unenlightened pursuit of wealth when so many suffer is unforgivable. Many who are wealthy do not create opportunity, they destroy it.
I don't wish to get rid of spirituality but I'm skeptical of religion designed by men to brainwash and corrupt individuals into delusional thinking and action. Corporate religion is corruptive. Religion that is benefical and eliminates suffering is encouraged. Today the fanatics and fundametalists grabbing headlines tend to be Christian and Muslim.
How many who claim to be compassionate conservative Christians are actually walking that path?
We need to have complete conversations where all the topics are on the table and can be discussed completely in my opinion. Too often defenders of a position won't explore it fully.
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If you take away pornography and guns, I will have nothing to do on Saturday night.
Seriously, though, pornography can be a very valuable part, in many different ways, of very strong, healthy relationships.
I can't argue that society would be better off without guns, but getting rid of them is never going to happen. Guns are facilitators anyway, they are not the actual problem.
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Hey Slakr007, thank you for your responses. I don't agree that guns can never be gotten rid of. I don't have guns. I'm disturbed by the run on ammunition at Walmart. What do those folks need all that ammunition for?
Remington has been running four shifts 24/7 and they can't keep up with demand. Law enforcement is having trouble acquiring ammunition....
I don't agree that just because you tell me things will never change that they won't. Things changed for us to get where we are today.
I subscribe to the philosophy that I must be introspective and see my thoughts and behaviors and how they truly manifest themselves. This is one way I know how to eliminate the causes of personal suffering and the suffering I impose on others.
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I can not roll blithely along thinking I'm entitled to be a head-butting, beer-swilling, woman-booty slapping Neanderthal, armed to the teeth with stuipidity, ignorance and fear. I prefer to be introspective and change those things in myself that are not productive.
Males who rely on pornography to fuel unhealthy and negative ambitions speaks to the mental instability facilitated by our society. What did we do when we didn't have pornography?
We used our imaginations more? Some of us got to know those to whom we were attracted. We didn't give in to our desire to copulate with every beautiful object of our fanciful and twisted desires.
I won't disagree that Pornography helps add spice to human relations, but I'd bet that most people use pornography because they can not obtain the benefit of healthy, intimate relationships.
Pornography exploits men and women, correct? Yes, the "actors" get paid, but at what cost? Many actors have written books and been interviewed. They've talked about the negative and positive aspects of pornography. Unprotected sex in the age of AIDS/HIV. Being exploited. Being asked to do things they didn't want to do. Doing pornography to pay for drug habits. On and on and on. Pornography is borne upon the dysfunction.
Pornography doesn't have to be destructive. People tend to make it so.
Guns aren't evil. People who use guns can be very sick and evil.
Cell phones aren't evil. People who misuse them....
You see the windmills at which I flail and tilt? Oh my God! Look at all those stinkin' wind farms. My job will never be done....
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Take the song Jeremy by Pearl Jam. That young, silent boy is abused by his family and school mates, and he takes out his anger and frustration in class. "We unleashed a lion... he bit the recess lady's breast... Jeremy spoke in class today."
Marilyn Manson's music didn't make those boys throw their rods in Columbine. Bowling for Columbine clearly postulated that indulged, disaffected, non-enganged boys who succumb to boredom and herd following can do a lot of damge to themselves and society.
Humans have always been darkness and light wound into the inexorable ebb and flow of the Universe. "Healthy" humans are gifted with the ability to choose whether they'll be destructive or creative. I want off the rat wheel of doing the same negative things over and over and expecting a different result.
I will not succumb to those who say, "You can't change anything." El toro poo poo! I can and must change myself.
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The big societal message for boys is that they are worth less than girls. They see women, an actually majority of society, being treated as a “special class.” Everyday boys are told they are not as important as girls and that this is “equality.” Why would you expect any other behavior from boys when they can see what the have to look forward to as men.
Everywhere it’s girls this, women that. There’s a Girls Inc, but no equivalent Boys, Inc. They see on TV boys and men are the fools and the girls/women really rule the roost. It's totally acceptable to insult boys and men, however if the equivalent was done to a girl or a woman it would be a sexist scandal. The message is clear, so called equality is skewed toward females.
Boys see women are now going to war, however, in non-combat positions. The message is clear to boys and men: they are to be sacrificed with their lives really on the line while women get the same glory and benefits for a tenth of the sacrifice. If a women is killed, it is a huge deal. We will all hear her name. If 35 men are killed in one day; it's noteworthy.
Boys are told they are violent, rapist, and rapscalions; that they will drop out of school early and are less likely to go to college. I guarantee if women died ealier than men it would be a national scandal and attributed to the patriarchial conspiracy. These are the behaviors and outcomes we EXPECT of boys and men. It’s our own fault for these messages. Unfortunately, it’s only going to get worse until we start empowering boys as much as we do girls. -
I completely agree with you and recommend: The War Against Boys" by Christina Hoff Sommers.
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THX1138?
This post doesn't sound like George Lucas, the creator of the movie THX1138, at all.
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Yes, the Jessica Lynch thing was very telling about our society. Not only are women more valuable than men, white women are more valuable than black women.
Does anybody remember Shoshana Johnson?
Honestly, though, I think the backlash against boys/men in media and business is more overcompensation than anything.
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Actually, society tells boys (and men), very clearly, by paying them more than women, that they are worth _more_ than women.
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for the record, *every* feminist i have ever known has advocated for the fair and just treatment of men as human beings. women's general value in society is clearly funneled narrowly through their sexuality. the same is not true of boys.
yes, there are serious problems with how we raise boys, but scapegoating "feminism" is neither accurate nor helpful.
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What can society expect from "....snakes, and snails, and puppy dog tails" ? Its not the same message as "...sugar and spice and everything nice" for sure. Society is protective of girls but punish boys.
Whatever becomes of our children, boys or girls, society is responsible. Read the "War Against Boys" by Christina Hoff Sommers who researched how feminism has harmed our boys. Read the works of Dr. Warren Ferrell and the evolution of his thinking about men in his books. In the Liberated Male he underscores the feminist philosophy that men are the problem. In The Myth of Male Power he recognizes men as just as much a victim of society as women. Then there is Herb Goldbert book The Super Male.
Then look at how men are viewed on TV and in the movies in relationship to women. In TV commericals men are almost always the fool, dummy, brainless, sports nuts to the smart, wise, tolerant woman. When is the last time you say a dumb blonde in a TV commerical ? Even Bill Crosby's character as a father was something of a powerless dummy to his smart, decisive wife.
The single most damaging thing to our boys are the absence of an engaged, caring, supportive, limit setting, high expectations father in their life. Robert Bly, a famous American Poet stated, a mother can raise a male baby to boyhood but only a man can raise a boy to manhood. Most girls have their mother but few boys have their father. In elementary school the vast majority of teachers are females. Females who have matured in the mist of feminist anger, philosophy and perspective. Is there any wonder boys struggle in every aspect of their developmental challenges with such a stark absence of engaged positive males in their life?
The problem with boys is that women rose up and continue to rise up in defense of girls; while men remain silent and absent while our boys are psychologically emasculated. And we wonder why boys are angry, violent, and lost ? Where are the champions for boys ?
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Boys are barraged by images and role models (often personal - certainly in the media) – that display two extremes: wimpy and passive, or macho and aggressive. Winner… or loser. They are encouraged in subtle and not-so-subtle ways to be strong and to be winners, lest they be seen as the opposite. The middle ground of ‘assertive’ – strong and open, is less often demonstrated or modeled. But this is where we need our boys to be.
(ex-boy, and father of two boys)
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I am a dyslexic adult and I have thought long and hard about the abuse that children, and especially boys suffer throughout their school years. According to the Institute of Child Health and Human Development, there are over one million learning disabled children most of whom are dyslexic. They are bright, intelligent, and sometimes brilliant, but there is a great difference in the way their brains process information. Their learning channels different from the norm and they experience failure in reading and spelling when taught by the Whole Word teaching method. Our school systems are locked into this method for teaching children reading and writing skills. The Whole Word method is see the word, say the word, read the word. Then if one cannot read it, use the context of the sentence and fill in a logical word. For a dyslexic child, this is where reading failure begins. Boys in particular suffer damaging self-image and peer hostilities against them. A boy’s defensive behavior can often turn hostile. There is an alternative teaching method that is multi-sensory and phonics based in which one sees, says and then writes the sounds in words. This is reviewed through dictation as teaching lessons progress.
I was a private tutor for dyslexic children for 25 years and taught a class for adult dyslexics who could not read, write or spell above the fifth-grade level for an additional 14 years. The majority of these students where boys. Letters from these individuals tell in dramatic terms how their lives were changed as their literacy skills improved. -
The needs of Boys have not changed; they are the same biologically as they always have been. Unfortunately what society thinks it needs of boys has changed. Boys will be boys and boys NEED “Men” as roll models in their lives. Trying to deny this fact is foolish and has doomed many, many boys to being failures as men. Clearly being ‘Male’ is not the same as being a ‘Man’.
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Boys DO need to be strong; they need to develop the inner strength and self-reliance to resist the pressure to act stupidly, or as bullies, or to prove their virility in ungentlemanly ways. When I see stadiums full of men (and too many women) posturing like threatening gorillas, or fighting roosters, I think we are losing the struggle fast.
Our society needs men it can rely on to do the right thing, not to act out like barnyard animals, yet in the artificial representations of life from which young people must be informed of their responsibilities, posturing, bullying jerks seem to be winning.
These concepts also apply to our national and international policies, by the way.
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An interesting op-ed from The Boston Globe last week on this topic:
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2009/09/24/its_all_cool_in_guyville/
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How about inviting some high achieivng individuals to discuss this?
As an ex-boy who has raised three sons (present at birth, fulll involvement through childhood, teen years, and successful college educations) I have found that there is no "masculine ideal", only the daily challenges met with intelligence and vigorous enthusiasm.
Success for boys comes with intense effort and mental engagement. If it is a sport, or an academic endeavor, or an artistic project, or individual project of any description, the key to self estem is INVOLVEMENT. Choose something and invest the time and effort to fully engage. If a boy does this he will find guidance, mentors, friends, and ultimately himself.
Being a boy is fundamentally undefinable and ambiguous. There are kids having great childhoods and kids having very crummy childhoods. Such has always been the case and always will be the case.
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Welcome to adolescence. EVERYBODY feels like everyone else has it better.
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Hey, Think Out Loud; thanks *so* much for giving equal airtime to the highly marginalized section of society that is young middleclass white males. It's a demographic that I really don't hear enough from or about, and I'm glad we can all stop to have a conversation about them, especially since they were notably neglected during your conversation about (get this) girls, only last week. Speaking of which, why do college campuses have womens centers, but no mens centers? Why no 'mens studies'? Perhaps your show will help foster some solidarity among these young white middleclass males, prompt them to aim higher, reach for the stars, and become the old white upperclass males that lie inside each and every one of them.
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point taken, but sarcasm aside: why NOT have men's centers and men's studies? no, seriously? how can we truly change the sexism and eliminate men's violence against women in our society without engaging and supporting men in both changing themselves and in leading change in our peers?
the father's rights groups and others are advocating for these institutions as a backlash to feminist progress. why not be pro-active and establish those institutions as vehicles for further progress and justice rather than for regressive backlash?
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Boys don't need role models, male or female. Boys don't need two parent families. Boys don't need a father. These cliches are absurdly and repetitively reinforced by people without evidence or even commonsense, repeating this asinine bombast over-and-over again---as if this would solve everything. The quality of the people is what produces crappy kids---girls and boys.
The adults in our culture suck, what else can we expect from our children? What is there to be surprised about? We settle things with violence on an international level. Many of us were proud of our last presidents (albeit un-sexy) swagger. We shove heroes, cowboys and sports stars, down their throats. We see the father's importance as someone to throw the ball around with! We have to ask what is wrong with our boys? Isn't it obvious? Us. Nothing is going to fix 'the boys' until we fix ourselves.
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When I heard one of the young men comment about navigating the difficult pressures of being "openly sexual," I immediately identified. We supposed to brag openly about our heterosexual sex lives (or make one up if we don't have one). I think much of this pressure that we put on one-another is a result of our society's homophobia -- fear of gayness, of being gay, or even of being perceived as gay.
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I agree with the sentiment that boys are less valued in our society than girls. This was demonstrated to me while I was pregnant with my second boy. On more than one occasion, when someone asked the gender of my baby and I told them, the reply was "Oh, sorry to hear that," and, "Better luck next time." It really astounded me that I was to be pitied for having two sons and no daughters, and it hurt to think that either of my boys would be considered any less cute or sweet or precious than a little girl might be. Personally, I treasure these two totally amazing, unique individuals and I will do my utmost to make sure they are able to be completely themselves and not be forced into any "stereotypical male" role that society would have them play.
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The dominant parenting strategy in the US has been from the King Solomon edict to "spare the rod and spoil the child", also expressed as "put the fear in them early".
A king has to keep his subjects beaten and intimidated into subservient submission and the evil genius of King Solomon was to turn parents against their children and train them to beat their own children down into submissive fear. Solomon got parents to do his job for him.
Two things come out of that strategy, (among others) the bullying intimidator and the beaten down person.
Children who live in that regime of fear develop mental and behavioral strategies to cope with that fear, and most of those coping strategies are socially dysfunctional.
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Not that simply beating your children is OK, but I have actually seen exactly the opposite. More and more, I see parents trying to reason with their very young children.
For instance, even today (I am 30), if I were to show my mother ANY disrespect...OR, and this even more import, show ANYONE ELSE disrespect...she would think nothing of slapping me hard across the face in public. That was true 10 years ago, it was true 20 years ago, and true 30 years ago.
Punishment was always swift, but it was also ALWAYS fair and consistent. A slap and two weeks without TV, Nintendo, computer, etc. Period. Two weeks to the hour, every time. I was never let off early.
What I see now are kids screaming and yelling at their parents in restaurants, stores, etc. while the parents try to ASK them to calm down.
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"...she would think nothing of slapping me hard across the face in public. That was true 10 years ago, it was true 20 years ago, and true 30 years ago. Punishment was always swift, but it was also ALWAYS fair and consistent. A slap and two weeks without..."
slakr007
Ah, always the argument to justify domestic violence. You are arguing for the King Solomon strategy. It was normal in your life, so it seems normal to advocate for continuing it. Negative psychology is your norm.
Thing is, if you don't have the opposite experience, that of positive parenting, you don't have any compass to go by.
I have the experience of both sides and I can tell you that positive reinforcement works and without the problems that King Solomon generates.
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I am not going to take offense to you accusing my mother of domestic violence. Instead, I am just going to let it slide knowing that you have a very incomplete understanding of my upbringing.
It should suffice to say that she and my father were incredibly nurturing, supportive, loving, and just exuded positive reinforcement. Without their support, I would be the person I am today...a person of which I and they are proud.
Just for the record, I said know she would slap me for disrespecting her. I cannot remember the last time she did. That level of punishment was few and far between.
Just this past weekend I watched a mother in Target try to use "positive reinforcement" to stop her 4-6 year old son from screaming some incredibly nasty things at her. Considering I could hear the kid screaming at her throughout the store for the entire hour I was there, I would call that ineffective.
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On today's specific topic, my mother managed to hold my only brother back a year without stigma, in spite of the fact that he could easily have skipped grades (really, really smart), because she did not feel that he was physically ready for the pressures of the grade school structure. He was also the only one of us who did not do preschool, which I never though of as unusual until now, but at home she kept us all really physically active, and as a teacher, made sure we were all well prepared for the academic side of school when we got there.
It was high school that was his downfall because it was not COOL to be really really smart, so he worked hard not to look as smart as he was. He never really got over that.
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My son had a disasterous 2 months in kindergarten, so for this (and other reasons) we homeschooled until 4th grade. He's always been very kinesthetic - we taught him math using pennies, and building towers out of dominoes, and moving tokens around onthe floor tiles...
He is in 6th grade now, enjoys computer programming (in python), reading, science fiction, astronomy, making things, etc, etc. I'm teaching him algebra at home. He thinks it's amusing to not display his "smartness" to other kids - I think he likes being underestimated - but he understands that it's important that his teachers know what he is capable of doing.
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Children raised with positive psychology parenting tend to grow up to be confident, courageous, caring, and responsible humans.
For some three thousand years the three branches of the Abraham religion have used the negative psychology of King Solomon as the way of parenting and it is time to change to positive reinforcement.
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If you would like to learn more about Boys Advocacy and Mentoring go to www.bamgroups.com. We will be hosting two full day workshops on leading BAM! groups. One will be on Nov 2 in Erie, PA in partnership with The Ophelia Project, the other on Nov 5 in Portland, OR at Lewis and Clark College. Registration details for both are on the website.
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Stephen Grant, co-author of BAM! Here is an example of BAM! Storytelling.
I went to junior high in the mid-eighties in Brooklyn. In the seventh grade I had one shirt that I loved, a pink polo shirt that I wore with the collar turned up. This shirt became the excuse for a group of boys to pick a fight with me. Anthony Grazzle started it. He was the smallest guy in his group and felt he needed to “prove himself.” He walked up to me in gym class and called me gay for wearing the pink shirt. I stood up and got in his face. Then he hit me and I hit him back. Before I knew it, a group of his friends were holding me while Anthony punched and kicked me. I got away, but everyone knew that an unresolved fight would be settled “after school.” In fact, Anthony said those very words to me as we were separating. A crowd gathered after school. I was terrified and thought seriously about going home, but I was more afraid of what might happen if I did not show up. I worried that people would think I was chicken, that kids would pick on me even more. Feeling like I had no choice, I went to face Anthony hoping that any one of my friends would tell me that they would still respect me if I did not go. I did not receive this support. From this experience, I learned about being teased. I learned about how boys sometimes feel as though they have to stick up for themselves, being pushed to fight even when they don’t want to. It is not always easy to be a boy. It feels sometimes like you have to do things that you don’t want to do in order for people to like and respect you. I am not saying that I think that boys should fight in order to be accepted by their friends. I don’t want you to fight at all. What I want is for you to know is that I understand how scary it can be to choose not to fight, how the fear of losing friends or getting picked on even more is real. My hope is that you will see that there are guys, like the friends you have in this group, who will support you in staying out of fights and who will not tease you for being different.