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The Slow Path to Adulthood
In the not so distant past, getting a college education, finding a job, getting married and buying a home was the likely path for most Americans by age twenty-five. American teens grew up fast during this era, which lasted from the end of World War II through the 1980s. But parents of young adults today see their kids on a different, slower path. And they're also more likely to see their adult children right in front of them: at home.
The author Richard Settersten says this isn't necessarily a bad thing. In Not Quite Adults he argues that this slower path to adulthood could be better for everyone involved.
Are you an adult living with your parents? If so, why are you in that situation? Or, are you a parent with an adult child still at home? What is it like for you?
GUESTS:
- Richard Settersten: Author of "Not Quite Adults"
- Zach Powers: Now 29, returned to live with parents between age 23 and 25
- Corrine Spiegel: Mother whose 26-year-old son currently lives at home
- Bryce Meekins: 22-year-old living with parents
- Daryl Meekins: Father of Bryce Meekins
Tagged as: adulthood · children · college · parenting
Photo credit: riza / Creative Commons
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Is not the idea of leaving as early as possible a recent development? It seems useful having the chance to watch multiple generations. Does leaving early cause children to become less in touch with family?
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I guess people have different relationships with family, while society and finding one's way in it can be more complicated these days. Multi-generational households certainly aren't unprecedented, particularly during hard economic times (the depression era for example), even if they have become more of a stigma with the help of pop psychotainment.
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I was on my own at age 19. My parents were divorced and there was no money to send me off to college. I went to the local community college and moved into an an older farmhouse with friends and later worked to put myself through a small private college. My husband put himself through U C Berkeley and lived off campus with roommates. It was a fabulously fun time (1970s) to be a student living on one's own.
Fast forward, we have a 23-year-old son who attended a few community college classes, and then decided college was not for him. While pleasant and bright, he struggled to find an entry level job in the current economic climate. He seemed to flounder. We couldn't understand the lack of motivation. Many of our friends have found the same situation - their kids are quite happy to continue to live at home. Our son finally took himself off to Job Corps, recognizing that time was passing and he needed to get moving on marketable job skills.
On the other hand other cultures live quite happily with adult children continuing to live in the same home as the parents. It just puzzles me as I could not wait to get out on my own.
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Couldn't wait to live on my own which I did after graudating college. Lived the single life for a decade or so before meandering home to care for my parents. I fought against moving home because I wanted to continue living the free and single illusion.
My parents were challenging to live with. We locked horns and head-butted each other to determine who was more stubborn. I was taking on educated parents who'd survived The Depression, World War II, Korea, their children, Vietnam, The Cold War, and the Conservative Debacle. My parents were crusty pieces of shoe leather and dried bird spit. Life with my parents is funny in retrospect but it wasn't so amusing until we matured and built harmony.
But I'm "free" now so illusions are back on the table 24/7. I carry grim satisfaction that I took care of my parents when that was the responsibility I wanted to fulfill least. Watching my parents fade and pass away was "too real" and so many heaping mounds of el toro poo poo!
One lesson of life is that life ends. (Thumb against nostril and a derisive clearing of the sinuses regarding the nature of impermanence.)
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Old Post:
Before 1930, American families lived in Multi-Generational Households. It enabled families to care for small children and babies, sick members, busy adults, and the elderly without government programs.
But since then, we have moved away from caring for the elderly and sharing households. Parents no longer can be dependent on their children to provide a small subsistence, pension or care in their old age. Children think they should get their independence at age 18, move to an apartment, move out of state, go to a farway college and start a job and family maybe in an entirely different part of the country, possibly a continent away.
Young people can no longer afford to maintain their own households after completing their education. Parents cannot afford childcare. The elderly cannot afford nursing homes. No one can afford to get sick.
Time is too short to prepare homecooked meals, do household chores, care for small children, keep up the yard and vegetable garden and maintain a romantic relationship. Instead of being a single mother with 3 small children living in an apartment--being part of a nuclear family and couple is better. Being part of a Four generational household with 10 adults pooling resources would offer even more benefits.
PART 1 of TWO
-Jacob, 23Dec10
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The answer may come from the Great Depression. Multigenerational Households to economize, share tasks, and create work. If you cannot find a job, find domestic work: help with babysitting your nephews, care for your invalid grandfather, cook a roast, rake the leaves, do laundry.
As in European guilds, maybe a child can learn a family business like plumbing or electrical, help run a business, stay and help with labor and share profits. Run a family Waffle house. Run a small farm or work a self sustaining vegetable garden. Elders are also a source of wisdom in everything from cooking and shopping to parenting.
But we have to live civilly with our relatives. Give up on space and privacy. Forgoe the dreams of home ownership. Refuse great jobs that are farway. Refuse studies at a great but farway university or even an in-state university. Be more of a villager than a cosmopolitan. And deal with that crazy uncle and a mother-in-law on a daily basis. Enduring both affections and afflictions. We may be better off as The Waltons instead of Seinfeld.
But it is is living in a family compound rather than a house. It may not a solution we seek, but a destiny imposed on us by economic necessity and survival.
Part 2,of Two
-jacob, 23 Dec10
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Jacob,
If you want to point us to previous posts you've written, the simplest (and space-saving-est) way to do it is just provide links to your old posts. That way you don't have to copy and paste whole chunks of text repeatedly in new threads.
Thanks,
Dave
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k
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Jocob, thanks for your thoughtful comment. I agree wholeheartedly that we may all be better off living 'as the Waltons.' Witness the current co-housing movement.
I believe our society has become so individualistic and isolated that we are fostering ever increasing numbers of mentally and emotionally unstable people.
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I recall making the exact same comment months ago regarding a somewhat similar topic. There is nothing like tough economic times to compel people to once again act like tradtional families. Most people in the states, and in urbanized western Europe don't know that the intergenerational family is the norm everywhere else on the globe. In the US it has only been since the (last) Depression that every youngster was expected to take off on their own at 18 or 19 or at whatever age school was finished. When most people were still living on a farm or following a family craft, families tended to remain together. After WWII and the GI Bill the economy gradually expanded to accommodate the newly educated. Salaries grew as production soared. The middle class was invented.
Then our capitalist class discovered that even more profit could be made investing overseas in poor countries with corrupt leadership who could be bribed into creating any kind of investment climate the corporations wanted. So away wernt our factories and good jobs. And here comes the Depression again. But now there is no family farm or craft skill to return to; only mom and dad's basement and perhaps a job at Wal-Mart. Everyone will have to relearn the art of getting along with family members again, as the writer above has noted.
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2° to OPB when they kill the spam!-)
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I suggest that his definition of adulthood is flawed if it means a person who has moved out of the parents home.
I had an uncle who lived in my grandmothers huge old home until he was into his fifties and he was very much an adult, helping her to run that old farm and chop wood and keep that home going. He later married a school teacher and built a home on that farm near his mothers home so that he could live separately but be near enough to help out my grandma, his mother. I have every respect for him and consider him to have been a very responsible "adult" in every reasonable definition of the term. I hold that man in high esteem.
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My Comments Today:
We all love our children and we vow we will never regret the hours spent in their care, nurturing and companionship. However take care what you wish for. Most parents want children to mature and become independent and raise their own families-- not a lifelong companion--a BFFaE.
We all have to mature, grow older and become responsible adults. Maturation is natural progression. It warms our hearts to see a woman with an infant feeding at her breast. A Madonna. But if her son is 13 years and still breast feeding, there is something wrong and perverted.
Likewise having a 30 man-child around the house playing video games, perusing his guitar collection and having hookups while avoiding paying his share of the rent, cell phone utility, or household responsibilities can be grating on parent.
How long should the umbilical cord persist? 40 years old? 50yo? 60yo ? 70yo? It grows more and more unnatural and dysfunctional.
The MOST important thing we can teach our children, the ONE ESSENTIAL SKILL:
HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT US. HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT.
And I see a lot of inadequate and bad parenting. And a lot of bounce back to the nest. A lot of adults who do not know basic skills of balancing a checkbook, paying utilities, and using a credit card responsibly. And a lot of adults walking around but still connected at the umbilical cord--er--cell phone.
And a lot of rationalization: 'I like my son, I hope he never leaves.' "She is just taking a year or two or a decade off to find herself--the biological clock will probably time out." "Let her enjoy her childhood and adolescence(re. a 30 year old.)" "Kids just take longer to mature nowadays." "Life is different, more complicated today with computers and all."
Independence can be a frightening and precarious situation thing. But it is Freedom. We all need to GROW UP.
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The house rule here was "18 and out", which was communicated to our sons from an early age. Our emphasis was on the the adventure of young adulthood and the wide world of fun options available to a young unattached adult, whether that is a good collegiate program or anything else they wanted to do.
This, plus the fact that our sons are healthy, physically vigorous, intellectually accomplished and motivated young men made the 18-and-out "rule" one that they enjoyed following.
If any of them needs a home "port" to wait out a transition or go through a job search, they are more than welcome to live here with no real "deadline", and to come and visit any time for as long as they want. So far, a two month job search (with a good result finding a great job in California) has been the longest return interval.
The TV show Portlandia has a great line: "Portland is a place where young people go to retire". No young retirement! Move out of the house and get busy with life and figure out how to make one's own way. It's all a reasonable part of "launching".
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I'm 22 and have never tried to move out and have never had the desire to move out. I made a deal with my parents that as long as i'm in school i can stay at home. Doing this has made it so i can go to school without worrying about not having enough money to pay for it. I was even able to save up enough money to take a month long trip to japan after i finished my associates degree. I am a senior at OIT Portland now and have been making connections at Intel and other software companies so that i can get a job right after i get out of school.
In comparison my eldest brother is now 26 and has tried to move out several times each time coming home after a 5 or 6 months. He is living at home with no real prospects as he never made an effort in getting a schooling.
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75% (or more) households are Poor. After the parents has supported these kids for 18 years, you expect them to continue to support them in their adulthood? Unless the "kid" is gonna contribute financially to the household, it's time to go!
Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines, Hoboing, Living under a bridge... Whatever.
You are an adult... Get your a$$ out!
--- Oh yeah... What is with these "Kids" who refer to themselves as "Kids" when they are in you 20's and 30's... You are NOT "Kids"! You are bumming off your parents.
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Our daughter moved back last year after living on her own or with partner for five years. (She moved back after a breakup.) Moving back wasn't her first choice, nor is she totally happy with living with us, but we love having her. She is working hard on completing her education. She contirbutes to the household in many non-financial ways. While we weren't suffering "empty nest" syndrome, it is nice to have another adult in the house.
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This fall my husband and I will be moving in with his parents so that we can save money while I embark on a doctoral degree. I just want to say THANK you to my in-laws for having us. We boomerangers need to remember to express our gratitude for free room and board!
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I have traveled fairly extensively around the world and was struck by how many people my age (early-mid twenties) were living at home. At first I couldn't imagine living at home as the pressure to leave at 18 was so strong and I was so independent. But, after many years of traveling and now being 29, I realize how difficult my twenties were compared to my friends abroad. While I loved my young adult life, I have struggled over the past ten years, often living pay check to pay check, going into large amounts of credit card and school loan debt and not always having the resources necessary to set myself up for success in my 30's. I now have a good job, but will be getting myself out of the debt from my 20's for many years to come. The only reason I didn't stay at home longer was a sense of pride in self-sufficiency, I wanted to be able to show I could make it and wasn't willing to accept "help" from my family in the form of living at home. I think if societal pressure hadn't been so strong to leave at 18, I could have eased my way into an independent lifestyle and possibly accrued less debt trying to get on my own two feet.
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As someone in her 20s who would love to be traveling the world, but can't afford it even with solid jobs, can I ask what tricks you found to spend those years traveling? If you were financially struggling?
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I didn't really totally head off on my own until around 24. Other than going away for college a few times I mostly stayed at home. This allowed me to graduate college with my BS (did it slowly) with no dept at all. I had a part time job and all my money went to food and tution.
Eventually it came time to go out on my own. However, my father who I was living with was out of work so in a sense I was a bit of the bread winner for the family but I kinda felt like I was enabling my father to be complacent. I moved out and he got a job in alaska a couple months later. I helped him pay off some credit card dept while I was living with him and move his stuff.
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As an employer, I do think young adults run the risk of having unaccounted for years in their job applications. I have spent the last 15 years working in the financial services industry, and we have found that our best "entry level" employees come to us within a few years of obtaining their college degree. This can, unfortunately, lead to a reverse-age discrimination where applicants in their late 20's looking for "entry-level" office jobs can be less likely to be hired when compared with recent graduates.
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I came from an impovrished home where my mother kicked me out at 16. I finished HS with honors, paid my way through college, worked any job I could find and by the time I was 25 I owned a home and was very successful in my job. 8 years later I now work for myself and live a good life.
It takes hard work to succeed - something I think has been lost in the up and coming generation. I do see a sense of entitlement. Parent's give far too much to their children without requiring them to earn it. Kids need to take responsibility and the only way to learn is to get out in to the world and make your way. Life is not easy and there are many lessons to learn. Your parents won't be around forever.
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I think that we jump to assume that 'kids' are taking advantage of their parents generosity by moving home for an easy life. I am currently living at home, but I pay rent the way a roommate would. This helps out my parent who is currently unemployed. Additionally, my parent is older, a possibility even if I am just 27, and my moving home for a while is in her interest.
I have worked jobs since I was 14, paid for a significant portion of my college education, all of my graduate education, and being thought of as 'coddled' because I am currently living at home is a false assumption.
Let's think of it another way--a young person in their 20s who has always gotten financial help and continues to get financial help from their parents is in great shape to go live independently even if they are not making much money (or any money.) Some lower income parents can only offer the assistence of providing an affordable place to live.
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I want to thank Richard for doing this study and I think we need to get rid of the stigma that surrounds kids who choose to live at home past 18. I myself left home at 17 because my home-life was not safe and secure. But while I value the hardships and struggles that I had back then, I want to raise my 7 year old daughter so that even if she needs to stay home past 18 for awhile, she will have the self-confidence, self-assuredness and lust for life that will spur her to leave the nest when the time comes.
I think there is too much negativity around young people who live at home past 18. I went to college with lots of people who weren't living at home but were fully supported by their parents including tuition, rent, food and an allowance and yet they aren't stigmatized. Some parents can't pay for tuition but they can supply shelter and food while their child attends school or looks for work.
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Looking for video jobs in Oregon is like looking for trees at the North Pole. Go where the jobs are. Video production = NYC , LA, Shanghai, London....elsewhere.
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I was the guest talking about looking for video jobs on this episode, and I can't agree with your trees at the North Pole analogy. I live in Portland and have a video job, I've had more freelance work than I can handle for the last two years, and I have a bunch of friends from college who have worked in video jobs full time in Portland. They're not necessarily easy to come by, but they're here. The only place where you could even make an argument that they're easy to come by in the United States is LA. My NYC friends have had some luck, but the ratio of job-seekers to jobs there is really high. People who don't work in the industry often suggest going abroad, especially to Vancouver, but these are typically seen as desireable jobs by the locals, and it's not easy to get a work permit unless you're already on a big-time production, which means you technically got the job in the United States.
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Adults are not automatically ‘adult’ in the way we normally mean. Adult is quite a broad category, with a zillion levels of wisdom. Aging doesn’t create wisdom with any consistency. Half the people who we consider to be adult, or consider to have settled down, have merely given up. They simply don’t have the push to create the muckraking they once did. In other words they have not gotten smarter or more even-keeled, they have just gotten lazier with age. As we age, for many of us, the forces of conformity have had more time to do their job.
It is true that life is unidirectional, so perhaps we all have the desire to make progress, to build upon ourselves. And, perhaps more history behind us creates the illusion, or reinforces the illusion of personal certainty in our beliefs and mannerisms. But it is mainly just an illusion---someone who is 21 may be just as wise as someone who is 61. It all depends on where you start from and what you start with. The aim shouldn’t be to turn young people into adults, but to encourage all people to make progress, to challenge what they think, and how they think.
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I'm sort of enjoying all the handwringing about the "youth of today." I remember twenty years ago, when I graduated from college into a pretty nasty recession, the conventional wisdom among the Baby Boomers ahead of us was that people my age were lazy and incompetent, and thus deserved our collective fate. It's only now that the same thing is happening to their own kids, that the ME FIRST Generation has decided this is a problem worth addressing.
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Being independent is a decision by parents to gently, and sometimes firmly, encourage children to get out on their own and the children's desire for, and confidence in, self reliance. When young people complain that being out in the world isn't working and living at home is the only way to cope, I wonder whatever happened to activism. If society isn't providing young people with careers, education, or relationships, young people need to be out in the streets protesting and organizing for change. Moving in with parents doesn't cut it. I learned a lot about independence when I realized asking for a handout was a cop-out. Instead of seeking support from loved ones as an excuse for personal responsibility, there comes a time when it's more adult to work for change in society and reap much larger rewards.
I do understand there are times when people fall on hard luck. But a six month respite at home is much different from six years' couch surfing, which seems to be where we're heading.
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I'm a Mom, but this is about my sister who just turned 21. She dosen't attend school and works less than 20 hours a week. She's been couch surfing for the last couple of months, and previously has made the choice to live on the streets. Her friends, whom she looks up to, in no way inspires her to work towards any form of achievment, and hence has choosen this path of self destruction.
How can I help inspire her to make better choices without enabling her??
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Independence is the adventure. I was a college graduate, but got a low paying job, shared a 1 bedroom apt and wouldn't have changed a thing.
Young peoples expectations today are ridiculous. They expect the same lifestyle they grew up in, that took their parents decades to acheive.
I don't agree with the authors definition of success. And I really don't believe that you can become an adult while living with your parents. From laundry to a sex life to meal prep...
This reminds me of all those young children you see in strollers being pushed about by their parents when they are perfectly able to walk.
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Everyone would like to be seen as competent and successful. When I was young many more jobs abounded, all available to me were of the waiter, dishwasher, delivery-boy sort; these jobs today are neither as available nor desirable. In addition, our children are told incessantly and continually that the only path to success is through college. College is much less subsidized than ever before, and truth be known, lead to much fewer decent jobs in chosen fields than ever before.
Children who are loved at home can have a decent place to live with freedom to explore the outside world with a comfortable place to retreat to at the "end of the day." Imagine, if you will, not having to struggle with a poorly paying job to supplement student loans and being to rest between periods of intense study: pretty good huh? The least a middle class family (a vanishing group I am told) can do is to provide a launching pad for their progeny, while still exposing them to love and advice when necessary.
In sociology class I was told that continuing in education was a means by which society can remove people from the job market during a time of reduced available jobs. As long as one can account for one's occupation over this time (not in prison or fully addicted to drugs), then it makes little difference to society as a whole. Having unstressed citizens working toward careers of choice instead of struggling with poverty and loneliness, I believe, is a good way to grow up, be it at home or away, coming or going. These people you speak of are, after all, our family and our children.
Staying at home, by the way, is not an issue in places as far flung as Ireland, Puerto Rico, Singapore, and so on and on (these being places known to my personal experience). Where are we going in such a hurry anyhow. To be stuck in endless traffic jams getting to inappropriate occupations, living with stress and regret, or pursuing a life of choice in a focused and purposeful way.
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Does this seem to be more of an issue with boys? It seems that everyone I know who stays at home, or moves back, is male. All of my female friends hit the ground running. I have been on my own (quite successfully) since I was 17.
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I am currently 27 years old. I moved out of my parents house less then a week after highschool graduation. There was no way I was going to stay a day longer. I had many adventures learning to survive on my own, but over the years I have figured out alot of valuable things. I have graduated from college with a degree in engingeering, I successfully navigated the recession, and my career path is heading in a great direction. I am married but we are waiting to have children.
I think that sometimes you have to jump in the water if you ever expect to swim. You will hit bumps and difficulties along the way, but we have our intellect, our friends, and our family to help us as we carve our path in the world.
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Maybe some of the push to leave the family came from the nation's "need" to settle the frontier. The frontier is gone now and we are overpopulated, so stronger family connections and staying in place makes more sense.
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UGG! Moving back with my parents would have felt like the biggest failure ever for me. I think my mother did a good job making life in her house so unpleasant that going back was not an option. I worked crappy jobs and lived in a crappy apartment but it was a good lesson. Being poor is a good lesson.
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How families live together in the US is a cultural construct. Our western version of how families should live together partially arose along with the developing middle class at the end of the nineteenth century. Just as babies and children were moved out of parents' rooms into their own bedrooms because families were living in bigger houses with more rooms, so too, did children move out of their family home and on their own at an earlier age. Prior to that time, it was not uncommon for unmarried children to remain with their parents, sometimes even until the death of the parents. In many other cultures today, this is still the norm. And it makes a lot of sense, economically and socially.
That said, if I had to live with my parents any longer than I had, I probably would have jumped off a bridge to escape!
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I appreciate that the their is a common thread among the guests on your show of living with the parents being a temporary thing to healp them toward reaching a goal, part of which is to be independant and on their own. whenever I hear people talking about moving in with their parents, or having their kids move in with them a lot of red flags pop up, mostly because of the experience I've observed with my in-laws. My sister-in-law was having a hard time shortly after graduating from college and moved back in with her parents. they set no boundries and had no discussions about what her goals were. She has never worked more then part-time, has never gone back to school, has never contributed to the overall family income (paying rent, groceries, ect.) Other then a brief 1.5 years back on her own when her parents moved to OR, she has been living with them. She is now a 37 year old who spends most of her free time watching TV, surfing the internet or going on dates with her Mother. This has not been good for her or for her parents. She is a huge drain on them both emotionally and finacially and her life sadly seems to be going nowhere. I guess my point is, that having your kids live with you to get on their feet can have debilitating consequences for both them and you if as the parents you don't set some boundaries and have clear goals in view from the beginning.
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I first moved several states away from home (Boston) to attend undergraduate studies. Since then, I have only lived at home sporadically for very short periods. I am currently living in Oregon and will soon be married here. I have recently become aware of the fact that my parents and I really don't know each other very well and this has started to negatively affect our relationship. I would not be the person I am today without all of the experiences I had earlier in my twenties, but in retrospect I see how my leaving home was probably very abrupt for my parents. I think that staying at home longer could improve parent/child relationships as the child transitions to adulthood, and potentially be better for society as a whole.
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I suspect that after WW2 the "economic opportunities of moving out" were "demanded" and promoted by the business people.
Consider the economic growth created by more new houses, complete with kitchens, bathrooms, cars, lawnmowers, streets and all of the utilities need to support them, add in all of the new grocery stores, clothing, and everything else.
I suggest that the constant demand for ever increasing economic growth turns out to be anti-family. Growing healthy families that raise healthy children takes time and community support, resulting in slower economic growth.
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I am 23 years old and will be moving off my parents' suburban Washington state farm in the next 2 weeks after living with them for a year after finishing my 4-year degree in Alaska.
I feel like one issue with the slowing pace of young adult launching has to do in part with the K-12 education system that seems to stifle the potential of young adults age 16-18. I was fortunate to benefit from the Running Start program which enabled me to finish my AA degree while in high school, other students in my area were able to pursue nursing, automotive, and other vocation programs as well in their last two years of high school. Those of us who did this seemed much more equipped to "launch" into careers, advanced education, or even just independent living after the age of 18 than those who followed the traditional high school course. It seemed to teach us responsibility and demonstrate a larger spectrum of options than what is shown to students in a traditional public high school.
Unfortunately, my fast-pace college education pegged me as graduating in the heart of the Great Recession, but even then within 6 months of living back with my parents I found a good job and within a year I am now making preparations for moving into an apartment in the next two weeks.
I think that parents opening their homes to their young adult children is an essential safety net for millennials considering issues like the job market and rising cost of higher education. It is also a great opportunity to get to know one's parents as adults. Nevertheless, I think it is essential for us to reevaluate some of the public policy infrastructure that may be holding our nation's young adults back.
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My brother lives with my parents and has never moved out.
I moved out at 21. He has achieved much more because of his living situation. Car, 401K, health insurance, huge savings. Me, college degree, low paying job, nothing else.
My other brother and his family lives on my parents property.
As a group they have been able to help one another through the up and downs of life. And as a plus my parents are more than happy to treat my brothers as grown men. As my mom says she has her own life.
With the economic situation we have had serious conversations about being a multi-generational family.
Great- grandparents through grandchildren. We believe this is the only way we will be able to all live the American dream.
I think this is just going to be part of the new reality.
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The Baby Boomers who now direct our political and financial policies were themselves the beneficiaries of well-subsidized public education and civic resources during the postwar era. In many cases, they could pay for a year's college expenses with a summer job. Cheap rents in downtown areas and college towns had not yet been driven up by real-estate speculators.
Thanks to the rapacious attitudes and selfish cost-cutting of today's policymakers and captains of industry (largely those same Baby Boomers who were once indulged by their elders) young people nowadays are saddled with debt the moment they set foot out the door, and before they have a chance to even think about the direction of their lives or career paths. I have a hard time blaming today's kids for being less adventurous than their parents' generation.
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I'm the older sibling (35) of 3 younger siblings just getting done with college. After the death of our primary parent, I was left with my other older siblings to help them get through college and 'launched'.
1. Recent 'failures to launch' are definitely related to the economic downturn; but shouldn't be blamed completely on it. My siblings had internships and experience, but the jobs absolutely dissappeared for many entry-level positions.
2. During the roaring 2000's when money and jobs were plentiful, our kids were really raised/conditioned for expectations that I think are (possibly forever) gone. There appears to be a real economic shift in our jobs/economy, and many of the old assumptions are no longer valid. It was important to realize that they grew up in a world that may not exist - so it's no wonder they may struggle now. But it's our job as guiding parents/adults to help train them for this new reality.
3. There is often a lack of gratitude from kids moving back in - who just expect things to get paid for them. It took a long time for them to realize that an iPod cost real money - money that took a long time and was difficult to earn.
4. Learned helplessness is a *real* danger. You must keep the 'pressure' to grow on or kids will just turn into 30 year old kids in your basement with a guitar and video game collection. The best tool we had for teaching them this lesson was just to slowly lower them to minimal financial support and let the person feel the difficulty of how hard it was to earn that money. Cable got shut off, internet, etc. We made sure they had a roof, heat, and didn't starve and had health-care/transportation - but we would slowly ratched down the support until they would want to move on. They would quickly get tired of 'always being broke' and it motivated them to get out and get a job so they could afford things without us having to nag or push. We always made sure they had transportation and/or gas money to get to job interviews/jobs - but beyond that we didn't give them much. Two of them lived on ramen noodles with no cable for a while before they got tired of it and went out and got jobs. One has now moved out and has their own place and good job - the other is well on her way.
5. I think a lot of kids from the boomarang generation do not look ahead much in their educational paths to see if they can actually make a living studying what they are. I don't know if this is a failure of colleges that have turned into degree mills, or if kids just have a very unrealistic vision of a job market just waiting to snatch them up with a C average in underwater basket weaving.
With these steps, we were able to get 2 of the 3 on their way. They are much happier as are we. The bonds of our family are now even tighter than ever - and our family grew through it.
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I think that young adult children being seen as "needing" to get out of the house at 18 or 19 is a bit antiquated, and in some ways a very American "problem". Many cultures have several generations of family living together for a lifetime (think Mexican cultures, tribal lives)I think that it's entirely possible to do so in a healthy and happy way.
Obviously there will be some shift in way of life as parents and child move to a new kind of relationsip where the parents will need to recognize that the kids aren't 15 anymore. That can be the challenge I think.
My 19 year old son just recently moved into his own apartment after we lost our house in rather messy divorce. He is happy. but he could have stayed with me as long as he wanted. :)
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Three generations are the norm in much of the world. In tribal regions, an extended family share a compound consisting of a walled enclosure and several houses. Work is divided according to gender, age and skills and strength. Its not all harmony and peaceful, but on the whole it seems to work. Especially when really tough times hit, the numbers of the able bodied are critical to survival.
I suspect but have no firm data; however I believe when it is really tough the very elderly and others not contributing to group survival may be weeded out by some means I prefer not to think about. But starvation comes to mind or the withholding of medication. The elderly in these cultures understand these matters better than more civilized peoples and accept their fate without much complaint.
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I know that the focus of this show is on middle-class people but I think this topic is also relevant for those of us who have middle-class aspirations for our children. I am sole parent and sole support with three children ranging in age from 18 to 24. I raised them on low income for more than 15 years with no other parental support.
My oldest moved out when he was 18 and back home at 22, challenged by what may be best described as a psychotic break. After 2 years back home, he has begun to return to his responsible, loving self. He is still living at home, works full time at a well-paid job. He contributes to the household by paying a share of the bills, as well as participating in household chores and helping to meet his sisters' needs.
When I graduated from HS in 1975, my parents told me that I could continue living at home as long as I was in school, that this was what they could do to support my desire to go to college. If I dropped out, I had to start paying room and board.
This is the 'rule' that I have adopted for my kids. I wish I had known about the 20% rule because I have two college-age children now, both of whom are making more than twice as much money as I do. When thay are not in school, I have them pay a percentage of the household bills while living here.
My 19-year-old is now working and also a full time college student. She wants to keep her money for spending on her boyfriend (who incidently and ironically has been diagnosed with brain cancer and given two years to live), eating out and other luxuries, as thehousehold bills go unpaid. I wish I could be consistent with all my children but I am having to ask her to contribute to the household.n At the same time, I am holding fast to my rule that her boyfriend cannot live in our home, only visit.
Any constructive and thoughtful comments would be welcome.
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All adventures began with a dream and I had a dream of attending a four year university right out of high school. Along the way with the help of my parents I realized this dream wasn't for me. My grades were poor and my parents deiced that it was time for me to come home and attend the community college to get back on track. I didn't like the out come at first but I was able to work part time while attending the communitty colleg. The best part was reconnecting with my litte sister. She felt alone without any siblings at home and was happy to have someone else she could confide in. We have a better relationship today because I moved back home.
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Richard Settersten's depiction of the risks of a fast-path to adulthood have most definitely been my experience. College at 18, marriage at 24, our first child at 26, we hit our adult benchmarks right on "target". However, after 10 years of marriage, my husband and I both look back on our 20's as a very financially difficult time, and we now see that we will be paying for our "early launch", both financially and emotionally, for some time to come. Times have changed, and societal expectations regarding acceptable "life paths" will need to change with them or we will continue to set our young people up for lives of stress and anxiety.
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A yr spent working in a logging camp after high school with week ends at home with my folks was my gradual introduction to life on my own. Then five years in the Marine Corps where I completed one yr of college and then out and finishing a B.A. in public administration. I was 24 by then. My wife and I didn't have our first child until she was 26 and I was 27. Two of the four kids followed somewhat the same pattern and didn't have children until after college. One (a late arrival) is still unmarried and in a graduate program. Thank God, all off-spring were planned and arrived several years after marriage.
Two lived at home while in college and two didn't ( or don't). Two with hubbies returned to the nest for a brief period early on before settling into good jobs, and before they had kiddies. Since then they have done well financially and have not had to live in the basement. However. given the nature of our declining economy, one never knows when disaster may strike and sons, daughters and grandchildren may move back into the family home.
One good thing is everyone gets along togther. No one smokes, boozes or does any kind of drugs. They are hard working, non violent and rational. All traits that are less common today than they were when I was growing up. In this regard we have been very fortunate.
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Comments are now closed.
Personally I couldn't wait to leave my folks and my state (Oregon)... I wanted to prove (mostly to myself) that I could make it on my own... this enabled me to circle back to my folks as a peer in my mid/late 20's.
On the other hand I have two cousins (in their 40's) in Europe who still live with their mum and everyone seems to like it that way.
I'd like to know if your guest(s) have any statistical data on the impact of living at home with developing a "serious" relationship in terms of time (ex: do they tend to marry later) and whether they do at all. Both my cousins have never had a serious relationship that's caused them to consider leaving home... relationships usually end at the point where they'd have to leave.
I'd also like to know whether your guest(s) have any statistical data that might give an indication of whether codependence develops more often with adult kids at home. Not an assertion, just curiou
Lastly, wrt Mr Settersten's assertion that a slower path maybe better for everyone, is this due to a slower, more relaxed path to maturity on the part of the adult child or something else?