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Staff Pick: Quarter-Life Crisis
On our show about Surviving the Quarter-Life Crisis, Penelope Trunk, the founder of Brazen Careerist, explains the crisis like this:
It used to be that people looked at where they were when they were 40 at mid-life and said I hate where I am. Today people look at where they are when they’re 30.
This is a sentiment Think Out Loud producer Julie Sabatier says she identifies with. Julie says:
It’s not something I am currently going through, but something I feel like I went through recently in my life and something I’ve seen a lot of my friends in their 20's and 30's struggle with. (Some have a quarter-life crisis, others have a third-life crisis). The guests and callers were really thoughtful and that made the show.
When our intern at the time, Sam Sanders, first pitched this idea I remember a lot of us thinking "hmm... I'm not sure..." We were clearly proven wrong.
Are you in the midst of a quarter-life crisis? How'd it happen to you? And what are you doing to get out?
GUESTS:
- Penelope Trunk: Founder, Brazen Careerist
- Hannah Seligson: Author of A Little Bit Married
- Meghan Schuck: 26-year-old event coordinator
- Jared King: 29-year-old customer service professional
Photo credit: Corrie / Creative Commons
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Maybe those who go through this quarter life crisis will avoid the problem in their 40s. I never took the time to figure out who I was or what I wanted to do--I just took one step and that led me to the next. Now I am in that more cliche stage of my mid-40s and questioning everything. I think it is great that these younger people are exploring their identity and what they want to do. Their passions will evolve over time so it great they are learning to listen to their inner voice. That exploration should be life-long and perhaps the earlier someone learns how to do it, the more fulfilling it will be each time.
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I totally agree that the earlier we can really examine what we really value and want to do, and the earlier we feel empowered enough to figure out how to do it, the better! It's been my goal to raise my children to do just that; to re-evaluate all along the way.
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I am glad that your guest brought up that the "crisis" can be a good thing. It can cause us to rethink what we really want, and perhaps more importantly, why we want it. Do we want things because we've been told (directly or indirectly) that we are supposed to, or because they have real value and meaning to us? I am not convinced we'd ever really be motivated to dig that deep without a couple of at least minor crises along the way.
Many people are finding out that the old model of long school career leading to traditional degrees, striving to earn big money, the goal of purchasing the Mcmansion house, 2 cars, and more more more isn't fulfilling. Often times something has to happen to bump us into seeing that we might need something different.
At the age of almost 35 I realize that many of the things I thought I wanted, that I was led to believe were normal, aren't valid or meaningful for me at all. Much like that gentleman who called in to say he has simplified and is going to live on a sailboat with his wife, I am redefining. Not all who wander (or freak out!) are lost! :)
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yes! We can become enslaved by this world and lose our authentic selves which is creative and mighty! And that is the rub as Shakespeare would say....we wake up one day and say, what was I thinking? Who am I? My x husband who has 3 homes now is ready to go bankrupt. I took a different road....he was the workaholic. I chose relationship with my children and focusing on developing their passions and my own and that has made all the difference!! as Frost would say....and it looks like I might actually have more wealth than my x and he has lost most of his artistic side. He was always afraid to leap out there as himself....we will probably meet up at the same junction someday and I will have to give him 20 dollars....what is poverty and what is weath really?" To lose ones soul and to gain the world? " so many echoes which run too this day in age.
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From my original post in Apr10:
The American dream, the escalator of wealth and better life with each passing generation is not sustainable. Peak oil, global warming, shrinking uncompetitive economy, two simultaneous wars, rapidly rising education and healthcare costs, and insanely high national debt all conspire to make life a lot more challenging for subsequent generations.
In truth this is not a world conspiracy, but rather a simple consequence of our weak education system. Children have had the luxury of all night video gaming, wasted days at the mall or skatepark, casual hookups, and wasting 4-6 hours/ day watching television or the updating their facebook page instead of doing algebra or physics problems.
40% of our population doesn't believe in evolution. Half cannot do long division. 30% of parents do not believe in vaccinations. Science is less important than strong opinions. The upcoming generation is not necessarily smarter, stronger or dynamic. Rather it will be less educated, more flabby, more obese and more tattoed. Many will escape any education with a home 'schooling.' Personal discipline is sacrificed for impulsiveness and consumerism. Science, hard work and rational thinking are not valued.
We all pay for this with uncompetitive workers, second rate products, unambitious youth, and increased diabetes. We are too soft and permissive. And our children are underachieving but we still lavish praise. Globalization has opened us to the world economy and we are consumers when we need to be competitors.
Rancor and arguments have replaced progressiveness. We fail to make costly but necessary long term decisions for short term perks. We do not have long term commitments to great ideas, great principles or genuine needs.
jacob — Mon April 5th 5:25p.m.
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well some of that is true but again defining of all of us....and youth destroys the individual.....maybe some of the youth found something on facebook which woke them up! I would rather be an uncompetitive worker. I would rather be permissive and free...soft and feeling and intuitive...not all of us are hard as steel....again this is a societal value of work which is not very compassionate and which often destroys third world countries....competition is not where true worth is, I believe. The Bill Gates of the world give back in the end to that which sustains. Even Solomon said "All is Vanity." not that you are vain....but to me, to work competitively leaves me with an empty void....to give to others is fulfilling. To create that which multiplies 10 fold from a small seed is that which lives on not dies with competing and destroying. Now that is only what I believe. And so I am not in this world at times but in the spiritual world.
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Save Magical Thinking for Harry Potter. Unfortunately your philosophy will persist until hunger or crying children motivate us to put bread on the table--about 5 hours.
And rather than decry competition, be a better, more competent, more essential, more necessary person. Everyone wants to be a parasite--free food, no responsibility and no worries; but we have to provide and make society better for our existence.
We need to create a sustainable future which includes financial stability.
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I feel like the quarter life crisis has more to do problems in society and not any one person. Our society is going through major changes and we are struggling to figure out how to create a life during major upheaval! We want fullfillment in our occupations and we want a DIY lifestyle to make our food local and sustainable. Society does not support these options yet.
I am 27 and belong to a generation that is not materially driven. We know how to live simply on little income but that does not support such things as medical care which becomes necessary the older we get. Many of us are stuck in a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle which equates to a form of slavery. It is society which needs to change and we are the generation to make the change.
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yes, and I live simply but now am 61 and am facing that I cannot afford healthcare. I have PTSD and arthritis and a heart which has been attacked many times by those who say how I should be in this world---they define me and the world---by my authentic self wants to be as itself. The crisis is in being the person you were meant to be and the destruction of self is on the brink. There are the haves and the have nots and now the have world is beyond reach for some especially those who have disabilities....and the poor. And that does not stop me from doing what I love...though I risk being destroyed! And that is the crisis, to be oneself in this society means we give up on a society which is not really democratic but which is becoming more controlling....and 1984, the book that is! Save the real self and go be you!
and so the crisis is an American crisis...the destruction of those who are in the "know," the smart fish! but threatened is the individual!
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I'm in my early thirties and my husband and I own our own home and earn good salaries. Our discomfort comes when we look ahead. Working your way up in a corporate setting is not a ladder, it's a pyramid, and there are only so many positions available for promotion and increased earning. My husband is choosing to start his own business, and he's willing to put in the hard work. I'm a little stuck, not sure if I want that next promotion, or a step down for a little mo life balance.
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I can definitely relate to your situation in some ways. I am in my early 30s, own my home and used to ear high salary until I got laid off in 2009. I was somewhat glad because I had started resenting my job and the ingratitude of having to deal with so-called VIPs at my company. I took a year off to take care of my kids (2 and a new born then). I started dreaming of owning my own business because I could not envision the 8-5 bondage. I did go back to work when hospital bills started mounting and I found work that I love, that I am not restricted to 8-5 and I am not tettered to my phone. I love what I am doing now and it is completely different from what I was doing before and I get to work with a boss who is pretty awesome and very willing to teach my new high end applications used in translation and engineering. I do have those crisis moments, and I believe it is because I want more and more is not necessarily more money. Rather freedom to do what I love and enjoy doing it.
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Balance is quite good or we lose ourselves to working long hours into destruction of the self.....there is more to life than to live for the ladder....I personally climb down the ladder....I could go up but I wish to go to nature and take pictures and trust my intuition.
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The problem with all these X and Y types is that they are spoiled Americans whom expect to much early in life. And, the fellow who chooses to live a simple life by living on a sailboat with his computer, is in for a big expensive surprise. There is nothing cheap and simple about living on a sailboat. Now, if you are a Z type born in Africa or the Alto Plano of Peru your choices in life are simple and for the most part, limited - poverty and hard work yet most of these people are happy sorts until religion enters their lives. The X and Y people do not know how good they have it America; apparently people with education are less happy sorts.
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Interesting defining people.....perhaps we have all been defined at one time and that is the problem....which destroys the intuitive person we were meant to be....is this running the vehicle off the road from the hopefulness of being who we were designed to be?
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"Who has ever gotten into trouble from having too much confidence?" How about the premise of this program- that 20-somethings are disillusioned and unfulfilled because of the message they received growing up that they were special, unique flowers who deserved all the best in life? When people let go of the notion that everything has to be perfect and focus on the areas that are satisfying, the Crisis will abate. I believe Penelope is wrong to say that a job can never be wholly fulfilling- it may be less common but I don't think it's impossible, and her assertion sounds like a bitter edict from someone who never found a job she loved.
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Perhaps it is the message from society that they need to make money and join a society which is becoming a taker society of people's souls and life. What about a message of balance and becoming the intuitive being they were meant to be??
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I am a 29-year-old Head Start teacher, still renting, still single -- which is nowhere where I thought I'd be. I graduated with a journalism degree, had several awesome newspaper internships, then worked as a reporter for five years. Then the newspaper industry collapsed, and my long-term "undefined" relationship disolved at about the same time. After trying for about six months to find a job in my field and applying for and dropping out of a master's program, I took this teaching job.
My struggle is that my job, though fun, doesn't feel like a long-term career. My personal life also feels empty, and I think singles in my demographic having trouble dating. I'm starting to feel the almost-30 panic because I really want to have children.
I have thought a lot about my situation and how I'm going to get out of it and feel fulfilled t again. 1. I am setting professional goals, including taking some classes at the local community college that will allow me to move up within Head Start. 2. I am participating in activities that I love and enjoying the free time I have to explore hobbies and passions. 3. As for dating, I don't know what to do -- try online dating I guess. : ) I just constantly remind myself that I'm not alone -- many 20-somethings go through this, and eventually I'll meet the man I'm supposed to be with.
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I'm 34 and have a great job and friends. I try to focus on these things, but still find myself in an unshakable depression. I'm single and starving for the closeness of a meaningful relationship.
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So it sounds like us GenX-ers with our perennial pessimism and cynical outlook turned out to be more resilient because we didn't expect too much ;-)
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im 61 went thruogh this in my mid 20s . as an RN i changed to hosp. adm. after 3 years i was sure i needed to make a change. back to school in my 30s with 5 children and my wife . moved to N.C. and did anesthesia as a CRNA. 21 years ans retired. I finely found my grove. Great choice, hange in their and it will come.
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I had a early crisis in my life and solved it by sticking to my goals for life. I come from a middle class family which valued education and from an early age I was reminded of the value of a University education.
At the age of 15 my high school education required a vocation planning class. We were required to come up with a plan for our life's work and write a paper on how to attain our goal etc.
I chose dentistry and gathered all the information of what I would need to become a dentist. Medicine was a close second but the education took 2 years more and there were internships etc to contend with. I picked my job because I could do it anywhere in the world and be my own boss.
Graduated from high school just as the Vietnam war started and found that many were in college just to avoid the draft. I was actually interested in joining the military to help pay off my debts and get some experience in my field. I received my draft notice the same day I graduated from dental school but the army had all the dentists they needed and a law prevents the drafting of health care professionals and not using them in their field.
My plan had always been to quit working at age 30 and take two years off to find out what I really wanted to do in life. As that age neared I began to have some doubts and fears especially a fear of not fulfilling my plan. I was newly married and we sold all our posessions except a very few and the house and my dental practice and left in Sept 1974 with two airline tickets with 39 stops.
We travelled west and thus enjoyed three summers.
I have never regretted this two year hiatus especially now since some of my favorite places Afghanistan,the Middle East, Indonesia etc are not exactly for independent travellers now.
I have recently had another crisis and have survived it by quitting my job and becoming single again.
After a few years I now have a new wife and we have a 1.5 year old baby girl.
So I have it all albeit in somewhat unusual order. My advice is choose what you want to do and than how to accomplish it best is always to love your job, I loved mine because it allowed me to accomplish my goal to see the world and experience new cultures longer term. I have one regret, in 1975 I was offered a locum tenens in South Africa I would have taken over a dentist's practice lived in his house and made a really good living for 9 months but it just seemed overwhelming to do all the arrangements. I returned to a good profession and have continued to travel and now do volunteer dentistry in far off locations for three or four months a year. Will resume this plan when Diana is a bit older.
I am 68 years old.
Persue your dream and do what is necessary. At least if you don't follow the ruts you won't be sent to war.
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Have you heard of Saturn Returns happening when a person turns 28 yrs old? It takes Saturn 28 yrs to travel around the sun, so Saturn is in the same placement it was when you were born.
I am 28, and I have developed skills I was interested in till this point and now is the time I am ready to apply them. If you have not developed skills, and are not ready to apply them, I think that is what will cause a crisis. If you have had to struggle and figure things out for yourself till this point, then you have developed those skills.
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I am 61. I went through my quarter crisis at 26. That was when many things were happening with women at the time. I did not know myself but was having life designed by society and a mother who was into power and control and alcohol. So I took my retirement early. I was in a job at the time as a teacher where funds were being taken away and there no longer was an idealic situation at the school. Children were becoming unruley and also it was too noisy. So I set out to explore, took a year off and tried new jobs and traveled. I became a firefighter for the summer and loved that job but because I had never been physically fit...we were expected to be home makers back then. Well I found out all kinds of things about myself that year...I took a VW class which focused on how to fix VWs. I went traveling by bus and train to Canada. I followed the seasons to Arizona and then to Canada. I found a wider world out there. I never was "into" money but more into compassion and caring for others. That took me on a journey into working with special needs children and adults and I eventually became an expert in this field. My temperatment was never like a teacher. I was more a support person and schools eventually became places of power and control and too much confusion for me.
In this quarter crisis, I found my values and that was way beyond success and how it is defined by society. I raised 2 children but was married to traditional men who got lost in work and so I was never really fulfilled by workaholism and men.
My journey took me into values which sustain, and an overview of the world which was awesome and which also sets me apart from the world of success which I consider a rather suspect word of enslavery.
I hope all of you find your authentic selves. I believe the experience at 26 shaped me. My sister and brother went on to succeed as the world defines success and I stayed with success as defined by how I was made to be in this world--spontaneous and compassionate and spiritual.
This is not a crisis but an opportunity to grow as oneself and become the person we were meant to be! I have struggled with those who think I am a loser and those who define me as not successful.
But I am as I am.
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Reading all these comments on a very interesting and important topic I am struck by this observation....that there is no single formula to a fulfilling life. As the Buddha taught, "there are many paths on the spiritual journey".
I also believe that this society we live in is very sick with its mis-placed values and disconnect from mother earth. We are in big trouble until we 'remember' that we are a part of nature and not seperate from it. There are not enough mentors for young people or meaningful rites of passage......I'm speaking of elders who pass down their experiences and insights. I'm speaking of crucial life lessons.....not what the latest fashion is or what the newest hot video game might be. Most young people today are forced to learn these things through trial and error and on their own and I believe this is where much of the feeling of crisis comes from. We are so isolated in this society. Having said that I do believe that we are in the midst of a major shift, a wakening to a better way and there are people out there working towards positive change.
I am 46 and currently struggling to find purpose and direction in my own life. I can say that this at least the third time for me having to go through the so called mid-life crisis. Though its never too late to learn and find one's passion, living with regret about past choices is a difficult thing to deal with. I look back to my 20's and 30's and wish that I had been more serious and responsible about seeking out mentors and learning to make wiser choices. This life is not a given.....it is what we make of it for ourselves and those around us. And it is O so short.
So its a life long process of awakening to our true nature.....learning to live in love and compassion towards ourselves and others. This will help to make the world a better place.
And in todays world its useful to think of ourselves as compassionate warriors.....working towards a more harmonious existence with ourselves and the planet.
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I went to medical school after college. I went because I had no idea what to do with my life, and med school seemed like a way to keep a lot of options open.
This turned out to be a really bad idea. My real problem was the not knowing, and I should've worked on that instead of embarking on a serious career, even one "with options."
Luckily for me, I had taken a computer programming course when I was a senior in college, and was fascinated and enthralled by it. Right then, I should've dropped the med school idea and pursued a career in programming. But I didn't have it together, and went off to med school.
Two years later, it became obvious to at least a part of me that none of the "options" in medicine would fit for me. But there, out on the horizon, shining like a lighthouse, was the world of computer programming. And that lighthouse helped give me the courage to drop out of med school and pursue something I actually loved.
It wasn't easy to drop out of med school. It felt like I was losing my mind. It was a huge and painful crisis. I was 23 at the time. I hope it was a "quarter-life crisis," since 23 x 4 is 92.
I've had a great career in computer science. In a certain sense, my life began the day I walked out of med school. I think my life would've been dead and gray if I had stayed.
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I was really pretty surprised and offended when Penelope Trunk said that women who are 30 and not married are in crisis, and that Gen Xers have gotten in trouble by trying to have kids later. I am 35, not married and certainly feel there is still time for that and I am not in crisis yet. People like her are the ones who made 30-something women feel inadequate, pressured, and stressed out. I know tons of people who have easily had kids in their late 30s. I'm sorry she has such a narrow view and really dismayed that nobody called her on that.
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I fail to understand what all this whining and self pitying is about? I feel everyone that is posting on this topic is miserable and unhappy with every choice they have made. Don't they understand that about 90% of all people on the planet are consigned to their lot by parental choices (in their best interests) or circumtances of birth. They do not have much , if any, freedom of choice. But maybe here, the problem is too much affluence and too much control of young people over their choices.
Medical scientists tell us the human brain is not fully wired-up and functioning in adult mode until that individual is about 21 or 22. In traditional societies ppeople under that age are (rightly) considered too young to make wise choices about mates or careers. The vogue of various "life crisis" that Americans seems so vulnerable to, is something that appears contrived and mainly brought on by unwise parenting and the extended period of adolescence Americans seem to endulge. Or maybe it is something that people think they must suffer like TV characters in the childish nonsense that people watch.
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Comments are now closed.
I went to graduate school at 21 - not because I was filled with passion for the subject matter but because I didn't know what else to do. This was thirteen years ago I was by far the youngest student in my graduate class (by about a decade). I've often regretted this choice - if for nothing else than the debt it put me in.
I've recently returned to school and realized that students are commonly going to graduate school at 21. Most of those that I know are going because, like me, they don't know what else to do. And, they also are living in a day and age where "on the job training" is falling by the wayside - which is unfortunate. Degrees and training are required for most every field, even though the skill set could be learned through on the job training.
I'm now 34, I've had three careers and am about to make a (hopefully) final career change into medicine - which is the field I've always wanted to go into, but in my 20's I wasn't willing to commit the amount of work needed to do it successfully.