2012 conventions 2012 election 2013 session 2013 special election arts arts and culture author ballot measures basketball bomb books boy scouts budget bullying business charlie hales children clackamas climate change coal college courts crime culture culture club democrats drugs economy education environment family film fluoride food gay rights guns handguns health health care health insurance high school history housing immigration internet kitzhaber law legislature lgbt literary arts living marijuana marriage media medicine mental health military minor parties mohamed mohamud movies music native americans news newspaper obama olympics oregon our town parenting pers photography police politcs politics port portland portland business journal president prevention public safety religion republicans rnc romney rural salem sam adams sandy hook schools science shooting sports suicide supreme court taxes technology television terrorism theater third parties transportation union university of oregon washington wildfire women

Oh my how things have changed. My father worked incessantly long hours, came home, and then left again sometimes working through the night. That was back when men were men and women were NOT superheroes. My mom was a stay at home mom and I talked to her about my life ... at least some of it. In my late 30's wife and I had a daughter and all of the things they said about it changing you really happened...um ... like overnight. I was convinced prior to that, that the "change thing" that new parents talk about was just a wives tail. That parents told people so they could circle their chairs around the children at parties and have a little club they could all belong to, but me....I grew up on a dime....I didn't have a clue before that. Nothing changed in the typical sense but inside everything changed. I was convinced (still am) that my daughter was the most wonderful gift I had ever been given. It's not easy to work long hours, come home, cook dinner, then feel you are giving much quality time to your daughter but I really and truly do the best I can. And when she leaves I find myself watching little girls jumping on their fathers at grocery stores and remembering times when my daughter did that...and occasionally a tear wells up and I ache for her even though she only left the day before.

At some point through the years I finally came to grips with the fact that as much as I hated to deal with it, I was gay. The unspeakable "G" word was a moniker I could no longer avoid. Wife and I separated and much to my total shock and surprise we have been closer friends than ever, and my daughter seems to be at least okay with it. So there is no one in my childhood to be like, no one to copy. And now I find myself no longer feeling weird that I am probably one of the few guys that tries to stay emotionally close while not being all that good at guy things like board games and small talk.

Was being a dad what I had hoped for? Absolutely not.... I had no idea ... no concept whatsoever... little did I know that life was in black and white and had very little depth, and (like Wizard of Oz) overnight everything would change to beautiful color. And that I would matter...and what I said and did made a difference. This was the most incredible gift I would ever receive...

posted 4 years, 11 months ago
view in context