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I took for granted that I would have children, and recognized that when I became a parent, that it would be very important to me to be the best parent possible. As such, in my mid 20s, I changed careers such that I could form a new career that would let me work flexible hours from home.  I went back to school and worked hard to get to the point where I could, indeed, work independently from home. 

Despite all this careful planning, now, at 38, I am not in a situation to have children.  For me, marriage to a husband who wanted children as much as I did was an absolute prerequisite for starting a family. I am still single, so I no longer take for granted that I shall become a wife and mother.

My reaction has been to reassess my goals, consider going back to school and developing a more ambitious and interesting career to replace this one that I deliberately chose to be a "side" career (to the #1 role of parenting that I'd anticipated). (I would like to do something more.)

What I don't understand is the most typical reaction I get from others. People tend to respond to my story by encouraging me to find a husband, settle down, and not "give up hope" of having children. I think that my response is the more rational one, and better for everyone, especially since my original assumption that I'd have a family was just something taken for granted, based on social norms, rather than something I consciously chose. 

While it's true that I feel the pain of the "biological clock" -- I'd like to think that my attempt to transcend it should be the approach that is considered more admirable, rather than all the other suggestions I get, such as to try online dating, etc., to "hunt" down a husband, in order to fulfill the biological imperative. 

I know friends and family are trying to be supportive when they remind me that so-and-so had children in her 40s, but, I really, really, would prefer some support (or at least objective listening) for the new ideas I'm actually putting forth for my life.  Along with the original wish to be a parent, I also always knew I wanted to be a younger parent (now no longer possible), and that if children did NOT come naturally to me, that I wouldn't want to do anything it took to have children.  When others suggest I go out of my way to try to have a family, and it's to the point that these suggestions going against what I actually want, I am puzzled.

posted 3 years, 7 months ago
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