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peanutbutter's comments:
on The Economy and Domestic Violence
Finally, regarding helping individuals: I think each person is the expert of their own experience, and it is a huge disservice to someone to tell them what to do with their lives; doing so takes away some of their control over their own lives (which is something they already experienced in their abusive relationship), and doing so neglects the very real fact that they know, better than anyone else, how to keep themselves safe in their dangerous situation, and, accordingly, know if/when/how it's safe to leave. It can be really frustrating as a friend or family member, but I think the best you can do is to let someone experiencing violence know that you will be a support person for them if they ever need help/resources/to talk/whatever and that you will care and love them without judging them or their decisions. And you can validate their own decisions: acknowledge that at every step of every way, every person makes decisions based on what they think will lead to the best outcome. No one makes decisions hoping it will hurt them or screw them over, and as an outside observer, you have no idea what considerations and factors went into their decision making. Let them know you get that.
posted 3 years, 2 months ago
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on The Economy and Domestic Violence
The "profile" of an abuser as calculating his moves is in no way made up out of thin air. It's a profile that, first, most people don't expect and think of when they think of abuse, and, second, is based heavily on interviews and research done by domestic violence prevention and intervention agencies (both social service agencies as well as research funds) AS WELL AS batterer's intervention agencies.
This profile of an abusive personality was originally developed by studying sex offenders' behaviors (a population about which there has been TONS of research) and folks who work with batterer's have found that this profile, of calcuation, escalation and establishing/maintaining control through manipulating and contradictory behavior, also rings true for many batterers they worked with. Most batterers, actually. And regardless of what specific aspects of the profile batterers did or did not associate themselves with, all use violence (emotional, physical, sexual, social, spiritual, technological) in order to control their partner.
Saying that batterers aim to control their partners is not a crazy esoteric idea that only few people have the intelligence to come up with. We're in a society that believes people do have the right to control other people, and especially our partners. We also live in a society (or maybe it's human nature, i don't really know) where we are raised to not take responsibility for our behavior but to make excuses for behavior that WE knowingly do.
posted 3 years, 2 months ago
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on The Economy and Domestic Violence
Many abusers are well respected in their workplaces, communities, families and friend circles and are incredibly abusive to their partners. It's not the only skill set they have; they navigate other interpersonal relationships in their lives with expertise.
posted 3 years, 2 months ago
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on The Economy and Domestic Violence
You're right; it isn't okay to abuse just because you've been abused. It's just as likely that someone who grew up in an abusive home saw the harms of violence and decided never to treat a partner like that as it is for someone to grow up in an abusive home and be abusers themselves.
Abusers may need sympathy, but more than anything, they need to be held accountable for their actions; abusers make so many excuses (including excuses about the economy AND a family history of abuse!) that the work of addressing abusive behavior and personalities must start first with accountability for the abuse they inflicted.
posted 3 years, 2 months ago
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on The Economy and Domestic Violence
Abusers typically pick people they think they can exercise control over; these are often people with disabilities, recently incarcerated, new to a community (without many community ties), sometimes involved in religious communities condoning certain gender roles, younger folks, older folks, women, low-income, queer but not yet out, homeless, etc. It's not that survivors have bad "pickers," it's that abusers find women in less than ideal situations that they feel they can control. Second, abusers don't abuse early in a relationship; if you went on a first date with someone and they slapped you, would you go on another? Of course not. Abusers not only find women for whom there are many barriers to leaving an abusive relationship, but know exactly how to abuse someone, make excuses for their behavior, act extremely loving and attentive and do the whole thing over and over again so that a survivor doesn't know what to expect from their partner anymore.
I agree that more prevention work needs to happen; I also believe that it is incredibly easy for tons of people to write "we need" in a community-based forum, for tons of people to know what "we need" and not do a single thing about it.
Things you can do that isn't just sound and fury: volunteer for a community-based DV program, give money to a community-based program, write letters to your local politicians to support DV shelters and non-shelter models, learn about the dynamics of abuse and sexual violence and talk to teachers, bus drivers, community members about violence. Make it an issue that we talk about in our community circles, but make it an issue that you know enough about to talk about.
If you want an accessible book, read Dragonslippers, a graphic novel written by a survivor of DV that very clearly illustrates some dynamics of abusive relationships, especially how abusers make it hard for women to leave, the cycle and patterns of violence, how violence in a relationship escalates, that abusers are often extremely charismatic, highly respected and charming with lots of friends, the constant excuses abusers use, and how abuse is about exercising control and power, not just a response to anger.
posted 3 years, 2 months ago
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on The Economy and Domestic Violence
hi mollbee--
Verbal abuse can be a lot of different things, but I usually characterize them as a pattern of behaviors including put downs, threats, insults intended to embarrass, threaten, and lower the self-esteem of another person. Some abusers verbally abuse with other people around (to isolate you from your friends, family and support people), or one-on-one, or using technology (constantly texting you, checking up on you). Often, when abusers use put downs or threats or insults with other people around and those other people don't say anything, a survivor feels even more isolated in their relationship.
In general, feeling worse around your partner instead of happier-- if they pressure you into doing things you don't want to do, make you feel like no one else would ever want to be with you and they alone can put up with you, or that your self-esteem has gone down since you have been with that person are signs that the relationship may be abusive.
If you do feel like your relationship was abusive, please know that it wasn't your fault that your recent ex did this to you. It was a behaviors they CHOSE to inflict on you in order to have power in the relationship and control over you. You didn't deserve it at all, and you don't deserve it.
posted 3 years, 2 months ago
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