Maybe you are right, I can’t accurately say ‘she gets off on it.’ Not the violence that is, but she certainly gets off on the relationship because she stays with it. We don’t need to, paint this black and white picture about the relationship, the righteous person and the evil person (which I am also too often inclined to do). It is fair to say that in few circumstances do mentally ‘healthy’ people hook up and get ‘primed’ by a one-sided abuser. Yes, all parties are to blame, if anyone is to blame! And, how exactly did the man become violent in the first place, at some point he may also have been a victim, and something probably contributed to his developing violent tendencies.
I definitely question the relationship from the start, what sort of person gets involved with someone who is violent to begin with, how strong and intimate could this relationship be? I don’t believe for a second that these events are generally random (of course there are exceptions), and that holistically intelligent, mentally healthy women enter into relationships with madmen. I am not saying this takes away responsibility from the inflicter, or justifies any of the behaviour, but we definitely need to stop this coddling of people we see as victims, these lopsided irrational approaches to treatment don’t help them. Overly sympathetic therapies do not work. Therapies that try to boost the person up, by making all kinds of claims that the plane just happened to fall from the sky on the poor unsuspecting victim. If everything around me is black, then, well, I automatically appear as a shining star---but this is a farce, these approaches may get the person through a bad patch, but they are artificial and detrimental solutions that end up inflicting their own kind of damage.
Of course no one deserves to be abused, and no one deserves to allow themselves to be abused, and no one deserves to turn into an abuser. Surely being an abuser is not a healthy way of life, the abuser doesn’t deserves this path either.
I haven’t given-up, I just don’t actively care anymore, I see the relationship for what it is, two people tangoing. No one is being held against their will, she could have gotten out a million times, and for that matter so could he. Yes, I personally think she should want more from life, she should want a better relationship, but that is what I want for her, not what she wants. Perhaps you could claim she should be taught to want other things, maybe so, but I can’t provide that kind of education---and who really can? I don’t think you could ever claim ‘she wants out but doesn’t know how!,’ no, really, the problem would be more like: she doesn’t know how, to want out, bad, or strongly, enough---her desire to stay must overpower her desire to leave, otherwise she would have been gone long ago.
posted 2 years, 3 months ago
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