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I'm Barb's big sister Susan - Virginia's daughter.

My immediate - and lasting - reaction to Barb's death as her big sister has been to be prepared to defend her against all comers; I can't tolerate anyone who criticizes her as weak or crazy - those are fighting words. 

After I was told of her death, I wrote her a letter telling her that it's possible to survive that dark space which seems so lonely and unbearably painful.  I wish she could have read it before.

After Bill's death, killed by a drunk driver a year and a half later, I entered a dark space myself, filled with the pain of the two losses. Surprisingly, I shared that pain with my brother John, found he was in the same space, and realized I needed to continue to live, or I would kill more family members. 

My immediate coping mechanism was to spend a lot of time in bars, where I knew people, and could tak about the deaths.  This is risky, as it can lead to an escape into alcohol, but I managed to avoid alcholism, and it helped me get a break from the pain.  This is *not* recommended, but worked for me.  Later, I joined a support group with Mom, and found the magic power of human words to heal broken hearts.

Since then, over the years, though the urgent pain is faded, I continue to live with the loss of Bill and Barb, and found tears coming as I hear Mom speak.  For myself, I've reconnected to my source of joy, and lead a happy life, filled with a good husband, a large extended family - made larger by marriage. 

posted 4 years, 3 months ago
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