Portland-based relationship therapist Jeff Guenther says it's OK to ask for informed consent with your partners on things such as flirting, cheating and breaking up.
Courtesy of Jeff Guenther
Dating is super fun and easy to do.
If you just rolled your eyes or felt a little spike of indignance — Jeff Guenther’s got the book for you.
As a relationship therapist, social media influencer and author, Guenther helps his clients in Portland and his audience of millions of subscribers on TikTok navigate the joys and difficulties of relationships.
Guenther spoke with OPB Morning Edition host Jess Hazel about his new book “Big Dating Energy” — and shared some relationship tips.
The following transcript has been edited for clarity and length.
Jess Hazel: When I was reading this book, I had a lot of moments where I was like, “yep, I recognize myself in these statements.” I’ve written the lists that you recommend in your book about figuring out what I want in a partner. I’ve downloaded Hinge, and I keep scoping out for those cuties on my dog walks. But do you have any dating advice for me as I dive back into the dating pool here in Portland?
Jeff Guenther: I’d say keep an eye on how you feel when you’re on the dating apps. A lot of times there’s a ton of burnout and those dating apps kind of work like any other app on your phone that’s trying to grab your attention. So if you start to interact with those apps, when you’re feeling burnt out or negative or frustrated or angry, then that’s the lens you’re going to use while you’re on the app.
So I like what you’re doing outside of the apps. Portland though has some extra fun ways to meet people. I feel like there’s a resurgence in speed dating.
Hazel: How should people in Oregon think about dating when they don’t want to use the apps and maybe they’re not in Portland, maybe they’re in the cities and towns beyond the I-5 corridor?
Guenther: Joining communities and groups and activities that you enjoy will probably put you in touch with like-minded people. I typically like to encourage people to ask their friends to set them up. There already is maybe somebody in your life that you’re crushing on or flirting on. I want to encourage you to kind of maybe take it to the next level. See if they have the same feelings for you.
Millennials and Gen Xers usually go on the dating apps because they’re like, “oh, this is where I go to find a person,” but Gen Z, wherever they are on the internet, they’re going ahead and being brave and flirting. So really just try to expand yourself outside of the dating apps.
Hazel: Sliding into the Instagram DMs as it were.
Guenther: Yeah, I encourage it. Go ahead and slide to those DMs if you think that there might be a match there. But if you don’t get good feedback or they’re not interested, stop it.
Hazel: Yes, boundaries are definitely something you go over a lot. Something that’s getting more and more important in the dating world right now is informed consent, which you do talk about.
Guenther: Yeah, I do talk about that. And I love that informed consent is trending. We love to see that. I think that’s been something that’s been missing. But now there’s a lot more discussion around consent, informed consent and enthusiastic consent.
Hazel: So for someone who’s never heard those terms before, can you give a little bit of an explanation of what we’re talking about?
Guenther: Yeah. So it could be consent when it comes down to just sort of flirting with somebody. And with that, you might not get explicit informed consent, but you can read somebody’s body language. You can see if they’re answering your questions with open-ended answers. You can even ask them, “hey, is it OK to flirt with you?” So there’s really sexy, forward ways that you can get consent to take it to the next level, whether it’s flirting or asking on a date or giving a kiss or having sex.
Hazel: Can you give me a bit of advice for when you first start a relationship?
Guenther: So maybe you’ve gone out on a few dates, a handful of dates and you’re starting to feel like you’re vibing and you’re connecting and you want to define what this relationship is. It doesn’t mean that you have to be exclusive or you have to be monogamous or it has to be like a very specific way.
If you do define the relationship and you do decide that you want to be exclusive, there are certain questions that you might wanna ask: How often are we going to see each other? What are your expectations for this relationship? And also asking, “OK, so what is cheating to you?”
I think a lot of people have different definitions of what that might be. Does flirting with a barista feel like cheating? Does making a new dog friend without you feel like cheating? Another question I like people to ask — and some people aren’t into it so your miles will vary, you decide if you want to ask this question — “how would you like me to break up with you if we decide to end the relationship?”
Lots of people have different opinions on how they want to be broken up. What day, what time through text, call, facetime, in person. For me, I’d like you to text me on a Friday and I can think about maybe if I want to see you and talk to you about it in person.
