As gun violence continues to affect Portlanders, what kind of trauma does that create for kids? How can losing a loved one to gun violence be different from other forms of loss? We learn more about grief, loss and gun violence from Alysha Lacey. She’s the director of program services at the Dougy Center, a Portland-based organization that offers grief support for children, teens, young adults, and their families.
The following transcript was created by a computer and edited by a volunteer:
Dave Miller: The Dougy Center was created 40 years ago. It’s a Portland-based organization that offers grief support for children, teens, young adults, and their families. The group’s initial inspiration, its namesake, was a 13-year old boy who died from a brain tumor. But over the years, the Dougy Center has also provided support to young people who are grieving deaths from gun violence. As homicides have hit record levels recently, we thought we would ask what that support looks like. Alysha Lacey is the director of program services at the Dougy Center and joins us now. So we have seen this major increase in shootings and in homicides in Portland in recent years mirrored, I should say, nationally. Has that translated to more families seeking your services?
Alysha Lacey: I definitely think that we’re hearing of more families that are impacted by violent deaths in our area. We have support groups specifically for kids who have had their person die of a violent death. We also support the community locally with responses to schools and other community groups when a death has occurred within that group.
Miller: You say “violent deaths.” What’s included in that category?
Lacey: Generally it’s a homicide or a death by DUI or something of that nature. Right now [for] the majority of our participants their persons died as an impact of gun violence.
Miller: What’s the age range that you provide support for?
Lacey: Overall the Dougy Center provides groups for ages 3-18 and also young adults ages 19 to 40.
Miller: You say groups because this is mainly peer groups. You group people together by age and they can talk to each other?
Lacey: Absolutely. We have peer support groups divided up by age and sometimes by type of death where kids can come together and connect with others who have experienced a similar loss and realize that they’re not alone.
Miller: Why is that important? I guess I’m wondering how the support that a young person might need after losing a loved one to cancer might be different from losing someone to gun violence?
Lacey: All losses, impactful and, and can be tragic. The impacts of gun violence tend to be more layered. And so there’s a lot of other factors that we think about and that we hear from families who have experienced this. Things like the impact of the media and having personal details about the death become very public. Or possibly the stigma that’s attached to the assumption that their person was involved and maybe some kind of criminal activity or drug activity or something that makes it feel less than honorable without realizing that that’s their special person in their life. There’s also sometimes law enforcement involvement where a child may not be able to talk about what has happened because there’s an investigation going on. Or perhaps criminal justice involvement, where families are waiting for this resolution, but generally that’s a really long process that can be complicated, as well.
Miller: There’s a big list there. You started with the media and the fact that [for] some of these deaths, there could be articles about them or local tv coverage. How does that complicate the grieving process, and how does it affect what kids are going through?
Lacey: There could be possible misinformation. [Maybe] the way that their person is portrayed isn’t the way they would like their community or their school or their peers to hear about [them]. There’s that kind of uninvited mention of their person that [can be] shocking to them when they continually see that story or hear [about it]. So it’s these unwanted grief reminders that kind of pop up and can be difficult to deal with.
Miller: I’m imagining that there are two different kinds of media coverage that could create those kinds of reminders. One is actual stories about that particular case, but clearly we live in a society where shootings are happening all the time on the national level and the local level, as well. Could those also be re-traumatizing?
Lacey: I think there’s definite potential for that. I think there’s lots of issues that could remind you of your person, [even when they’re] not actually talking about [your] exact case. Thinking about those things, the reminder is really hard.
Miller: How would you approach that as somebody who is there to help young people through their grief? I’m curious how you would address this specific question of these reminders or unwanted intrusions from the media?
Lacey: We definitely encourage parents to limit their own exposure and their children’s exposure to media, if at all possible. We also encourage them to be open and honest with their kids, to try to prepare them as much as they can about the things that people are saying, and talk through a plan of how to manage those kinds of things, especially if it’s unwanted attention.
Miller: You also mentioned stigma as an issue that you have to deal with sometimes after gun violence in ways that you may not have to after illness. What do you mean?
Lacey: The concept that their person may have been involved or they could be involved in some criminal activity, just that maybe their death is somehow an impact of a decision they made or somehow their fault. I think it just makes some families feel [their person might not] get the respect that they [deserve].
Miller: I was struck by a line in a recent article in the Portland Tribune about counseling and support for people who’ve been affected by gun violence and other trauma. Your organization was featured in that article as well as Trauma Intervention Program NW and the director of that program, June Vining said this about the team that she’s putting together: “I teach these citizen volunteers basically what to say or more importantly what not to say when they walk into a complete stranger’s life on probably the worst day of their life.” The context for that is that they are there immediately after violent events to provide counseling. But I was really struck by that line that she’s teaching people often, most importantly, what not to say. What are you careful not to say?
Lacey: I feel like our kids and our teens in our program could offer a very long list of things. Some of the things that we know that they find not very helpful are things like “I know how you feel,” “there’s always a plan for this,” “maybe it was meant to be this way.” Even “I’m sorry for your loss” can sometimes be off-putting to people who are experiencing grief.
Miller: What’s the reason for all of those things often hitting wrong?
Lacey: I think it doesn’t quite feel genuine. Kids will say when you say “I’m sorry for your loss,” “well, why are you sorry? You didn’t do it.” Or, “I know who you feel.” Well, you don’t actually know how [I] feel. So we find that just really being available and open to listening and letting kids lead or share what they’re ready to share when they’re ready to share can be much more helpful rather than trying to fix or relate or offer things like that.
Miller: We talked a few months ago to a former gang member who is now on call to go to hospital rooms or waiting rooms outside hospitals to talk with friends and family members of shooting victims as soon as they’ve happened. A big part of his goal, he explained, is to interrupt cycles of violence, to prevent retribution in a sense. I’m wondering if or to what extent that’s on your radar?
Lacey: I don’t know in the role that we have that we are necessarily interrupting that cycle, but I do think we are providing an opportunity to understand that grief is a natural, normal, healthy response to loss. We’re really letting kids understand that it’s okay to grieve. That can look really different for everybody and when they’re not alone in their grief and can share that openly it leads to improved outcomes.
Miller: So then what are your goals in this work? What does success look like from your perspective?
Lacey: I think it would be a slightly individual trajectory for every single person. But really just understanding that grief is natural and normal, and that kids can find meaning or express their grief in a way that feels healthy and appropriate for them in their individual situation.
Miller: In previous years, when the weather has gotten nicer and the days have gotten longer, we’ve also seen upticks in gun violence. As we head towards a summer, are you bracing for more violence?
Lacey: Unfortunately, what we see is that it continues to increase. We are absolutely available for any family who is looking for that support as well as the community if we’re invited into the community and asked for that support. We wish that we didn’t have to be there, but we are glad that we’re able to provide the support as it’s needed.
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