This ‘speed-friending’ event in Tri-Cities could combat America’s friendship recession

Cafe Con Arte, a small cafe in downtown Pasco, Washington, buzzed with a hopeful, slightly nervous energy.

Laura Flores and Shintell Izquierdo sat across from each other at a two-person wooden table. They were among 20 people — all different ages, all saying hi at the same time.

“I’m from the Tri-Cities. And you come from?” Izquierdo asked.

“I’m over in Grandview,” Flores replied. “I made the trek up here to make new friends, hopefully.”

That’s the idea of this speed-friending event. It’s like speed-dating, but for platonic pals.

Cafe owner Saul Martinez kicked everything off. First, with a few instructions: “The people closest to the window are gonna stay in their seats, and then the people on the exterior will rotate,” Martinez said.

Then a question, something simple to warm up the crowd: What’s a trivial hill you’re willing to die on?

“Something you can’t get over. Like for me, toilet paper rolls have to go over the top, not under,” Martinez said, to cheers from the group. “So I’m going to die on this hill, right?”

In an instant, Izquierdo’s got her hill.

“ Socks with sandals,” she giggled. “ Just like Birkenstocks with a white sock. I cannot.”

Flores laughed along.

“I grew up in the ‘90s. I’m a ‘90s kid, and it was so cool to have your socks with your Birkenstocks, but now it’s so cringe,” Flores said.

Martinez and his niece decided to start speed-friending events at Cafe Con Arte after she’d moved to town and was looking to make new friends.

“ Finding one good friend or acquaintance here is really the hope, right? You don’t expect to walk away with 17 new friends,” Martinez said.

And it’s OK to be shy — Martinez said he’s always been that way. But, as he said, what’s the worst that could happen?

“Take that leap of faith and hope that things work out in the long run,” he said.

Studies show it’s a good leap to take. Friendship helps you live longer. It’s also one of the top predictors of happiness in adulthood. It’s also key to economic mobility.

On the other hand, not having friends could have the same health impacts as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

“Friendship is the silver bullet. In terms of importance, very few phenomena can do all that friendship can do for us,” said Jaimie Krems, an associate professor of psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles and the co-founder and director of the UCLA Center for Friendship Research.

Krems said making and keeping adult friendships needs more study. However, she gave a few of her personal tips.

“ There is something about time. There is something about contact. There is something about vulnerability,” she said. “But we also need that piece of helping with favors and gift giving.”

That refers to psychology’s Benjamin Franklin Effect, which simply says: If you do a favor for someone, you’ll see them in a more positive light.

Right now, Krems said, we’re in a friendship recession. In 1990, about 3% of Americans said they didn’t have any friends. Today, between 12% to 20% of Americans said they don’t have any friends, she said.

“It is painful. It is horrific. The No. 1 antidote to loneliness is friendship,” Krems said. “So we absolutely need to know how friendship works, how people make friends and keep friends.”

That could be one reason why in-person friendship making events like this are on the rise. But studies show it often takes time to form deeper connections — more than what a couple of hours can provide.

“ I would not be hugely surprised if speed-friending doesn’t always work,” Krems said. “What I really think does work are low-stakes, repeated interactions with people you’re similar to.”

At the cafe, Ava Robertshaw bounced from table to table. She says she might not walk away with a new BFF. However, she said, the event definitely left her with a smile.

“You’re socializing with other adults for the sake of socializing. There’s no destination besides just connection. It filled my social bucket, my needing that outlet because we all need a little bit of that and it’s hard to find,” she said.

Especially if you’re new to town, like Robertshaw.

“Honestly, it’s easy to isolate, even unintentionally. You can get your groceries delivered, and you can work from home, and you can network and be on social media to feel this sense of connection. But I don’t feel like it actually meets the human need for connection,” she said.

To Robertshaw, true friendship takes time.

“I want to fully see a person and be fully seen,” she said.

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Sometimes, friendship is about chemistry. Daniel Madrigal said he made a friend at an earlier speed-friending event, and they made plans to meet up again soon.

“ We just started talking, and I thought it was a normal conversation. Just normal. And then afterward they were like, ‘Hey, we should totally hang out again.’ So, yeah, we vibed,” he said.

As Izquierdo heads out, she said the whole thing was a little nerve-wracking, but she’s glad she took the chance. She said all the structure in her life sometimes keeps her from meeting new people.

“It was very good for my soul and to be able to meet new people and be able to have conversations I don’t think I would’ve had otherwise if I wouldn’t have come out,” Izquierdo said.

A few people headed out, and the cafe’s sign flipped to closed. The lights turned off for the night.

But Madrigal kept the friendship vibes going. He stood among a small group, still chatting on the sidewalk.

“I like getting to know people,” he said.

Courtney Flatt is a reporter with Northwest Public Broadcasting. This story comes to you from the Northwest News Network, a collaboration between public media organizations in Oregon and Washington.

It is part of OPB’s broader effort to ensure that everyone in our region has access to quality journalism that informs, entertains and enriches their lives. To learn more, visit our journalism partnerships page.